You Are Free To Go

Half Man, Half Ass

2009-11-18T06:16:00.000-08:00

Us Magazine reports that Alex Rodriguez has two commissioned paintings hanging in his bedroom depicting him as a centaur.

We expect no less.

It Only Sucks To Be Them

2009-11-17T06:38:00.000-08:00

According to CNNMoney, these jobs are best at combining high stress and low pay:

1. Social worker

2. Special events coordinator

3. Parole officer

4. News reporter

5. Music ministry director

If your job isn't on the list, stop bitching and get back to work.

Sugar Shock

2009-11-10T06:05:00.000-08:00

Halloween's over, so why is there still so much candy sitting in dishes around the office?

All the good stuff's gone now, so will somebody please eat the circus peanuts?

Sammy Sosa's Reputation Will Never Be As White As His Skin

2009-11-09T06:35:00.000-08:00

Yep, that's Sammy Sosa, looking like a stunt double in the "Smooth Criminal" video.

It's all thanks to a "skin rejuvenation process," says a Cubs employee who still speaks to the disgraced slugger.

Creepy.

Finally -- bottle-nose pliers I can wear on my arm

2009-11-06T06:13:00.000-08:00

Things that could go wrong while wearing The Tool Bandit, "the all-purpose magnetic tool organizer that you can wear on your arm."

* Pointy objects worn on your arm easily forgotten when you scratch your nose.

* High-powered magnets erase laptop hard drives that you happen to walk near.

* Chance of being mistaken for a handy Nazi.

(Hat tip: John Urban.)

Mommy's Little Shoe Fetishist

2009-11-05T05:56:00.000-08:00

According to Yahoo!, baby luxuries are going out of style. Mainly because no one can afford them.

Boo hoo, then, to designer Marc Jacobs, who's losing sales on his $195 Mary Jane baby shoes.

... Maybe this recession isn't such a bad thing.

We're Just Saying

2009-11-04T05:56:00.000-08:00

There might have been a time in 1992 when Paul Reiser's "I'm just saying" was mildly amusing.

That time has passed.

(Hat tip: Kevin E.)

Scare Traffic Control

2009-11-03T05:54:00.000-08:00

Want a great job and high pay without the hassle of going to school?

Air traffic controller is the gig for you. On average, you haul in $117,200 and retire at age 50. Two years of on-the-job training is all you need to start your exciting career of watching dots move across screens.

Think about that the next time you're about to board.

For Everyone Who Hates That Extra Hour of Sunlight

2009-10-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

If there's anything better than driving to work in the dark, it's driving home in the dark.

Don't forget to set your clocks back.

This Is It (We Hope)

2009-10-28T07:18:00.000-07:00

Yep, there's something morbid and creepy about a Michael Jackson concert movie. Does he look sick? Do we actually get to see him collapse? Is that Corey Feldman?

Go see it, if you must. Then can we let that tortured soul rest in peace?

Free Costs $150

2009-10-27T06:04:00.000-07:00

It's a tough economy, so there are more and more free offers out there.

Problem is, most things that are free can cost $150 and up. That's why we prefer "cheap."

The First Taste Is Free

2009-10-23T06:05:00.000-07:00

Watch-all-you-want-for-free video service Hulu will start charging to view (at least some stuff) in 2010.

It's an age-old selling model: The first taste is free.

All That Glitters

2009-10-22T07:01:00.000-07:00

Unless you're doing this for Halloween, knock it off.

Rappers in Ugly Sweaters

2009-10-21T06:10:00.000-07:00

Bill Cosby, long a slapper-downer of nasty rappers and foul-mouthed comics, is releasing his own hip-hop album.

It has Eric Clapton on it.

It's not clean music, says Cos. "What I like is 'what you're not going to do.' You're not going to curse. You're not going to put women down. You're not going to put the glory of the gun somewhere. And you're not going to put a whole lot of violence up front like that's the thing that will cleanse you and make you feel better."

We're sure this is going to be a big hit with the kids -- 'cause there's nothing the teens like better than "What You're Not Going To Do."

Did we mention this hip-hop record has Eric Clapton on it?

Back To The Ice Cream Of The Future

2009-10-20T07:37:00.000-07:00

For more than 20 years, dippin' dots has advertised itself as "ice cream of the future."

It's that's true, it's going to be a nasty-tasting, freezer-burn-your-tongue, barely-fruit-flavored tomorrow.

Couldn't we get jet-packs instead?

My Daughter, the Devil Grrrrrl

2009-10-19T06:32:00.000-07:00

We get that Halloween has become Official Dress Like A Tramp night for many women -- and we're not necessarily opposed.

But when did this become short skirt night for little girls? Here's a nice number for 'tweens (is that 11 year olds? 12?) courtesy of Party City, complete with faux-leather bodice and fishnet stockings.

Could little girls please dress like bumblebees at least until, say, high school?

I'm Sorry, Were You Gone?

2009-10-16T06:03:00.001-07:00

Garth Brooks announced he's coming out of retirement to play a series of shows in Vegas.

Since his "retirement" in 2000, Garth has released the following singles: Wrapped Up in You (2001), Squeeze Me In (2002), Thicker Than Blood (2002), Why I Ain't Running (2003), Good Ride Cowboy (2005), Love Will Always Win (2006), That Girl Is A Cowboy (2006), More Than a Memory (2007), Workin' For A Livin"(with Huey Lewis, 2007) and Midnight Sun (2008).

Welcome back, big guy. We missed you.

Translation: I Hate Your Ass Face

2009-10-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

The euphemism "irreconcilable differences" makes it sound like nothing can be done to save a marriage. We tried, but it's impossible! In fact, it's irreconcilable!

Let's be honest: You're sick of your spouse's shit and it's just easier to move on.

Zero Tolerance For Idiots

2009-10-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

Dangerous criminal Zach Christie, 6, was sentenced to 45 days at an alternative school for bringing his favorite camping gizmo to school -- a folding fork/spoon/knife combo with which he intended to eat his lunch.

The school board, only after the national humiliation that comes with being a bunch of idiots, downgraded the punishment to a 3-5 day suspension.

No weapons in school. We get it. But since when did we become so intolerant of common sense?

Halloween, just barely sub-Christmas

2009-10-13T05:53:00.000-07:00

Halloween has devolved into a commercial free-for-all nearly on par with Christmas.

That isn't any earth-shattering revelation but we're just sad about it. Halloween used to be our favorite holiday, and now its just another reason to get mad at how something fun has been turned crappy.

But go put on your Dog the Bounty Hunter costume and have a great time, we'll be sitting around a fire throwing in Halloween circulars.

No, Really, Throw It Back

2009-10-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

From a marketing point of view, we get the NFL throwback jerseys.

You've already got the new Kyle Orton Broncos gear -- the home jersey, the away jersey, the practice jersey.

But do you have the one that makes him look like Bumblebee Man?

Return To Sender

2009-10-08T07:27:00.000-07:00

We're pretty sure 17-year-old Ben Keough is an incredible musician. After all, how many other teens sign $5 million record deals before they can vote? Imagine the talent! Imagine the charisma!

Of course, it doesn't hurt to be Elvis' grandson.

I'll Have What She's Having

2009-10-07T08:14:00.000-07:00

Picky eaters don't bother us generally -- what they choose to put in (or not put in) their mouths is their business.

It's the restaurant ordering ritual that takes the entire group down, since "what's on the menu" rarely satisfies. Leave off this. Add that. Can I get this on the side? Can I substitute?

Would it kill you to just order the #3?

Buffet the Appetite Slayer

2009-10-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

Things we don't love about the buffet:

* The indeterminate period between food preparation and our arrival at said foodstuff

* The weird junior high chemistry lab burners keeping the food warm

* The swarthy fellow out on work release carving the roast beef

* The six-year-old just ahead of us sticking his elbow into everything

* Serving utensils touched by everyone in the room -- and where was the last place besides a buffet you actually saw tongs?

WARNING: Do Not Read This if You Have Moral, Ethical Or Religious Reasons Forcing You To Cower Helplessly While Someone Attacks Your Wife Or Your Kids

2009-10-05T06:29:00.000-07:00

Meet Captain Chris, "an unarmed combat instructor for members of the US & UK Special Forces and dozens of military and para-military professionals and mercenaries around the globe."

He'll teach you to be unbeatable in the street, no matter your age or fitness level.

It even "works against NAZIS." You can learn "how to make someone who tries to choke you literally drown in his own spit. (Frankly, you have to see this one to believe it—it's that incredible.)"

We're not really the violent types, but frankly, we're intrigued.

(Thanks, Patricia Ohanian Lundstrom!)

We're SOOOO Wasted, You Guys

2009-10-02T06:45:00.000-07:00

HAILEY: We're SOOOOOOO wasted, you guys. No seriously. I'm not even kidding. What?

Someone needs to take our picture. Seriously, right? I know!

ASHLEY: I want to be in the picture, you guys.

BRI: I know, right?

ANNOUNCER: With the new Samsung TL 220, you can see yourself when you're pointing the camera AT yourself -- never miss another drunken moment again.

HAILEY: Woooooooooo!

Hat tip: John Urban

Just in Case You Weren't Feeling Like Enough Of A Drone

2009-09-30T06:27:00.000-07:00

For some reason, we always see IT guys forced to dress like this -- in matching cotton polo shirts with the name of the company embroidered over the left nipple.

Is it some leftover Catholic school belief that dressing alike leads to discipline and hive-mind?

Or a marketing guru who insists on branding everything? (Though we can't imagine someone choosing a company based on the poplin shirt they saw on some guy at Panera.)

Just be glad you don't have a closet full of these.

My Trouble is Christmas

2009-09-29T06:06:00.000-07:00

Yep, the Christmas decorations are out at Target.

Yep, it's September.

Let the holiday malaise begin.

Can we call it a "basement full of guy crap"?

2009-09-28T05:50:00.000-07:00

"Man Cave" - This overchuckled piece of the bro-lexicon has now not-suprisingly been appropriated by a multilevel marketing company hustling grilling tools, poker chips and of course, meat. They refer to the gatherings as MEATings.

There's a reason these things are typically in basements --too bad it all didn't stay underground.

Free Body Shots!

2009-09-25T06:36:00.000-07:00

Rachel's, a Florida adult entertainment and steakhouse (guessing health inspectors have a field day there), is offering free flu shots between lap dances.

Line up, seniors -- dinner starts at 4.

Attention Twitter followers of Levar Burton: the Onion has been online 13 years and is not an actual news outlet.

2009-09-25T05:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Twitter followers of Levar Burton were outraged that he had penned on Op-Ed entitled "My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over" in the Onion.

His Star Trek followers likely knew the Onion is a satirical publication but Levar had to let the public television crowd know that he didn't actually author the article.

levarburton: Attention all un-believers THE ONION is satirical parody of news events and meant to be enjoyed as such! No I did not write it! Relax, OK?

The only revelation that might have been more devastating for these people is that Mark Russell cannot actually play the piano.

Readers Surprised To Learn Reader's Digest Still Exists

2009-09-23T07:42:00.000-07:00

Raise your hand if you've seen an actual copy since the turn of the century. Even the dentist doesn't keep this around anymore.

One More Reason To Love Swine Flu

2009-09-22T07:29:00.000-07:00

All the cool kids are getting their swine flu shots.

Of course, if you get vaccinated today, your body will need at least five weeks to develop full immunity. You'll be good to go, say, around Thanksgiving.

The peak of swine flu season this year? October.

Screw You, Darwin

2009-09-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

An elderly Chinese woman made this discovery: A snake born with a HAND.

Somewhere, Michael Crichton's nipples just got hard.

In Addition To Her Journalistic Credentials, She's Awesome At Beer Pong

2009-09-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

Welcome the Today Show's newest correspondent, Jenna Bush Hager.

It's nice to see young people rewarded for years of hard work in journalism school, working their way up through the ranks of no-pay, no-glory small market television, breaking the tough stories that make one's mark in the business ...

Oh wait, we're thinking of the women who *didn't* get the job.

You May Now Shake Your Head Sadly At The Bride

2009-09-17T08:19:00.000-07:00

Get ready for more badly choregraphed wedding production numbers, where the bride and groom (who already have the spotlight) find more ways to say "Look at us!"

Blame Jill and Kevin, whose dance-tastic chapel video earned them a spot on the morning talk shows.

The world is becoming a bad reality show.

(Hat tip: Kevin E.)

There is no debate about the uninsured, if you're into rational self-interest.

2009-09-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

Somewhere in the health care debate yelling logic got lost.

Cover every American and both sides get what they want, coverage for every American and lower costs - it's really pretty simple:

1. All uninsured Americans are driving up the cost of health care: http://tinyurl.com/kuyq4q

2. All insured Americans are paying more because of these uninsured Americans: http://tiny.cc/8CuhA

3. Therefore all insured Americans are driving up their cost of health care.

Now we'll leave it to Washington to make sure nothing happens.

His Wife Is Going To Keep Her Maiden Name

2009-09-16T05:53:00.000-07:00

Meet The Artist Formerly Known as Andreas Jankov.

The Norweigan bus driver recently changed his name to Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacca Highlander Elesser-Jankov.

No matter how much he tries, the guy's still a Jankov.

(hat tip: Tony Wood)

Your PC Will Run Faster -- After the First 20 Hours or So

2009-09-15T10:46:00.000-07:00

We were excited about upgrading to Windows 7 -- until we heard the installation can take up to 21 hours.

Gosh, Mr. Gates, you're just *begging* for a new series of Mac ads, aren't you?

You won't have any trouble finding The Lost Symbol

2009-09-15T06:08:00.000-07:00

With an initial print run of between 5 and 6.5 million copies there's no way you'll be able to walk into an airport, through a park or on a beach without tripping on The Lost Symbol.

Expect to see Tom Hanks rooting around a lot of underground tunnels in the movie.

His Hot Airness

2009-09-14T07:13:00.000-07:00

Michael Jordan is universally revered as The Greatest Player Ever. So why, in his Hall of Fame induction speech, did he feel the need to take a barbed poke at:

* His high school basketball coach

* The high school kid who won Mr. North Carolina instead of him

* The high school upperclassman who made varsity instead of him

* Jeff Van Gundy

* Jerry Krause

* George Gervin

* Isiah Thomas

* Magic Johnson

* Byron Russell

Remember Michael, you tried to play baseball.

First Among Dorks

2009-09-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

First! Comment Guy is known for a few things:

* While he's typing "First!", someone inevitably beats him to the punch, making him second or third.

* An inability to spell either "first" or "comment."

* A pathological inability to lose his virginity.

(Thanks to reader Kevin E. for the suggestion. A "You Are Free To Go" executive stress ball is on the way.)

This makes us reconsider our opinion of D&D for sure

2009-09-11T06:26:00.000-07:00

It's bad enough to hear tales of sitting through four-hour drafts and white knuckle tirades about missed trade opportunities but this represents a new level of unsettling committment: fantasy football insurance.

You take out a policy on a player and if that player should fall to injury for the remainder of the season you get reimbursed the entry fee to the "league". Worse yet, it's becoming big business.

If you'd consider something like this, fine: but no more making fun of that guy carrying around a set of D&D dice in a Crown Royal bag.

New Rules for Presidential Addresses

2009-09-10T06:22:00.000-07:00

1. If it wouldn't be allowed in a third-grade classroom, it's not allowed during a Presidential speech to Congress.

2. If you accuse someone of lying, you got to back that shit up.

3. If you don't like government-supplied health insurance, please give up yours and give it to someone who does.

Settling the Mac Vs. PC Thing Once And For All

2009-09-09T06:00:00.001-07:00

You're both dorks.

Vampires - blaugh!

2009-09-08T06:12:00.001-07:00

Vampires, vampires, vampires - they're getting to be a bit much - what someone needs to do is take a good, hard, critical look at all the lore and see what adds up. What we need is a satire on the genre that doesn't pander...

Well, well - looky here, it seems someone has done just that. Maybe we'll let vampire thing hang around a little longer.

GET A LIFE

2009-09-04T06:49:00.000-07:00

A manager in New Zealand was fired recently for reprimanding her employees with emails written in ALL CAPS.

Her style was found to cause DISHARMONY IN THE WORKPLACE, so she was FIRED WITHOUT WARNING.

If her employer has nothing better to worry about than people's email uppercase/lowercase style, she's probably better off working somewhere else.

Even if she does SOUND LIKE A BITCH.

The Sweet, Reliable Ride Thieves Count On

2009-09-03T05:58:00.001-07:00

The number one stolen car in America? The 1994 Honda Accord.

Apparently, America's hoodlums appreciate the reliable safety record and 4-cylinder power of this fuel-efficient family sedan.

Our dads have never looked cooler.

Sweat & Minor Threat

2009-09-01T06:09:00.000-07:00

This could be the next exercise fad to come down the pike: "Punk Rope" - which basically is a lot like jumping rope until you see the kilted instructor and realize it's totally punk.

Waving around swords, crawling on the ground - completely crazy workouts that couldn't possibly be achieved with pushups, situps or taking a run.

As usual MSN is all over this latest juggernaut, check out their college-level coverage of it here.

Wrap Rage

2009-08-31T06:12:00.000-07:00

Three annoying things about the clamshell package:

1. The half-hour it takes to get the effing thing open.

2. The fact that the precious cargo inside is usually the cheapest phone/mp3 player/children's toy on the shelf.

3. The puncture wound from the kitchen knife you used to open it requires four stitches and a tetanus shot.

Rock N Roll Heaven Looks A Lot Like Guitar Hero 5

2009-08-28T06:29:00.000-07:00

Virtual Kurt Cobain returns from the dead to rock Guitar Hero 5.

We're sorta glad we're not famous -- living forever looks creepier all the time.

The Garage Sale-inator

2009-08-27T06:39:00.000-07:00

How is California trying to cope with its huge budget deficit?

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is autographing used cars and selling them on eBay.

No, seriously.

Do You Take This Woman To Be Your Valued Residential And Commerical Real Estate Agent?

2009-08-26T11:37:00.001-07:00

It's hard to open a local newspaper without seeing pictures of the husband-wife real estate teams working hard to serve you.

Call us crazy, but we're nervous about a couple bringing their marital problems to our real-estate sale.

Check out the Jamisons at right (Philadelphia's #1 Husband and Wife Realtor Team!) -- Kevin seems like he's ready to sell, but Darlene isn't quite ready to forgive last night's drunken fantasy football draft.

We'll stick with the spinster lady -- less baggage.

Ace, the place, the angry people working there

2009-08-26T06:02:00.000-07:00

Ace Hardware advertises itself as being "the place" to go for "friendly advice" about home improvement projects and questions about hardware.

Why is it then that every time we're there it's an uncomfortable conversation with the angry retiree helper-guy where we're reminded about how little we know about the subjects we're asking about.

Case in point: Chastising last night for not knowing the correct manufacturer on the quart of paint we wanted to buy. We left with it 20 minutes later.

Tear off the soul

2009-08-25T06:41:00.000-07:00

We're really, really skeptical of soul patches, bro - most of the time they don't work, no matter how full of soul you might think they are.

But don't just take our word for it.

Miss UNIVERSE?

2009-08-24T06:05:00.000-07:00

Miss Venezuela was named Miss "Universe" yesterday. Congratulations, Dayana Mendoza -- we're sure you're one of the loveliest ladies ON OUR PLANET.

Something tells us the judges might have been a little Earth-centric ...

And there might be a few beauties out there to contest the whole universe thing.

We're starting to tear up

2009-08-24T05:59:00.000-07:00

Amaretto-Creme, Candy-corn, Fern - these are just a few of the whacked-out scents that candles come in now.

Makes us long for the heady, simple days of cheap, red candles our mom used to buy and only put out at Christmas.

Now it seems we can't walk into anybody's house without at least having the chance of gagging because of Clary-Sage in the bathroom.

Guns Don't Kill People. Waitresses Do.

2009-08-21T06:27:00.000-07:00

On the same day Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress was sentenced to two years for carrying a gun, deputies in Midland County, Texas were throwing back some Bud Lights and taking pictures of their waitress fondling their rifles.

The incident occurred at a restaurant known for its "fun, friendly and sometimes flirty!" atmosphere.

The deputies admitted to having about five beers each before setting the waitress atop their cruiser. The Texas Department of Transportation kicks off its Labor Day "Drink, Drive, Go To Jail" campaign today.

The Rich Get Richer-er

2009-08-19T18:43:00.000-07:00

Chase Manhattan has launched Chase Sapphire, a credit card designed exclusively for the bank's wealthiest customers. Rewards, travel bonuses, round-the-clock service -- it's all on a silk pillow for the Sapphire elite.

And did we mention the card has no spending limit?

It's the perfect card for our times. Way to sniff the zeitgeist, Chase.

Because nothing says "freedom" like a semi-automatic weapon

2009-08-19T06:20:00.000-07:00

People keep showing up at Obama speeches carrying guns, including a Phoenix dude Monday packing an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle. Why the firestick, chief? "Because in Arizona," he told The Arizona Republic, "we still have some freedoms."

You're right, pal -- and you make us all proud to be Americans. But let's be up front about why people like you carry guns like that: To scare the hell out of everyone.

Mission accomplished. We're officially spooked that you're out there.

Belly Up

2009-08-17T19:15:00.000-07:00

The pot belly is the new signifier of hip, according to the New York Times. “The six-pack abs obsession got so prissy it stopped being masculine,” explains Aaron Hicklin, editor of Out.

If that's the case, we here at YAFTG are pretty goddamn cool.

Yeah, go away maybe

2009-08-17T06:04:00.000-07:00

"You go, girl".

This one's pretty self-explanatory.

We hear Emilio Estevez is available

2009-08-16T20:32:00.000-07:00

St. Elmo's Fire: The TV Series is coming to ABC.

Never heard a better reason to actually set fire to network headquarters.

Supergroups=musical kryptonite

2009-08-14T05:44:00.000-07:00

Another "supergroup" debuted this month on a stage near Lollapalooza -- Them Crooked Vultures features members of Foo Fighters, Queens of the Stone Age, and Led Zeppelin (!).

Unfortunately, these all-star gatherings usually end up as less than the sum of their parts.

Take Damn Yankees -- please. Tommy Shaw of Styx, Jack Blades of Night Ranger, and -- why the hell not -- Ted Nugent, teamed up to create some ear-splintering power ballads.

Power Station combined a little Duran Duran, a little Chic, and some Robert Palmer to snore up an uninspired remake of "Bang a Gong."

It almost makes one wistful for the obligatory lead-singer solo album.

Altamont is more representative of what the Boomers became than Woodstock

2009-08-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

We'd like to start a campaign to get the 40th anniversary of Altamont recognized as the cultural milestone of the Baby Boomers, instead of that insipid Woodstock.

On a musical level, it had better bands and better performances.

More importantly though, from a cultural perspective - it didn't even try to thinly disguise money-grubbing business moves designed to benefit a small group of people = like paying the Hells Angels $500 in beer to watch over the stage.

Those kinds of things were harbingers of what the Boomers were really all about - as we got to see in the years to come.

Let's review the meaning of the word "nazi," shall we?

2009-08-13T06:06:00.000-07:00

Nazism: A political ideology widely considered to be a form of fascism. Key elements include racism, eliminating those unworthy of life such as homesexuals or Jews, and totalitarianism.

Unless masses of humanity are being slaughtered in the examples below, the term "nazi" therefore should not be used to describe:

* The office manager who is stingy with pens;

* Your strict junior high math teacher;

* Persons who think differently than you about the best way to finance health care.

Thank you.

The worst candy ever made

2009-08-13T05:43:00.000-07:00

Taking a marginally-likeable side dish and elevating it to candy status is no easy feat but that also doesn't mean the stuff is any good.

In fact, Boston Baked Beans are just plain terrible.

The thing we do like about them is that they're apparently self-aware enough to capitalize the "B" and "S" in their name - a subtle, yet honest admission as to their place in the world.

Surprise! Crook Goes To Jail!

2009-08-12T06:29:00.000-07:00

Bernie Madoff's ex-CFO got a big surprise yesterday after pleading guilty to conspiracy and helping Madoff run his epic Ponzi scheme: The judge sent him packing to the pokie.

Defense attorney Marc Mukasey said his client, Frank DiPascali, "was completely unprepared for this." After all, his client was a white collar criminal who was genuninely repetent. He had even cooperated with the FBI! Even the prosecution attorneys were surprised to see DiPascali led off in cuffs.

Huzzah to U.S. District Judge Richard Sullivan!

Heidi Montag's Breasts Are Beautiful Art

2009-08-11T07:43:00.000-07:00

Heidi Montag's new Playboy nudies are "beautiful art," according to new husband and professional prick Spencer Pratt.

"Not, like, Picasso art -- real beautiful art, you know what I'm saying?" Pratt was saying.

"See her powerful curves. They are powerful!" he told Us Magazine. "It's an honor. I feel like I did something great, like I should get a trophy!"

Keep your trophy, Spence -- we'll take the Picasso.

Hat tip: Noa Azoulay-Sclater

The official baloney of pro sports

2009-08-11T05:17:00.000-07:00

The NFL secured a sponsorship agreement with a company for official toiletries.

Major League Baseball can boast an official oatmeal.

The NBA has a brand-new official fast food, their first change since 1990.

Even the lowly NHL has an official cracker, cookie and snack mix.

The really great thing about all this is not only do you get to be bombarded with it at every opportunity when watching these leagues, because the advertisers pass along the sponsorship costs you also get to pay for it.

All the crap in one convenient package

2009-08-10T06:25:00.000-07:00

Valpak doesn't make us hate junk mail any less -- but at least it's all crammed in one envelope for easy disposal.

A Hot Steaming Slice of Putin

2009-08-07T06:28:00.000-07:00

Reportedly worried about the muscle being flexed by Western leaders, Russian head honcho Vladmir Putin recently posed for this shirtless candid, ruggedly extending his rod into the waters of international diplomacy.

Well played, sir!

Mr. Obama -- your move?

The ring is not class

2009-08-07T05:03:00.000-07:00

Most class rings are gaudy, ostentatious things and really good for very little other than to prove you once had an interaction with some creepy guy from Jostens.

If you're still wearing one on a daily basis out of a sense of nostalgia for your school days, then good for you, why not trot out the old mortarboard also and make every day graduation day?

Jenny, I Got Your Number For $25 Grand

2009-08-06T12:11:00.001-07:00

Five grand was the winning eBay bid for 867-5309, Jenny's phone number from Tommy Tutone's 1982 hit.

That was for the Philly area code. The Jersey version went for $25,000 on eBay in February.

We're guessing the combined $30,000 is more than Tommy Tutone has earned in the last decade.

Since there's no point in trying to change a person's sexual orientation now we can all move on

2009-08-06T05:30:00.000-07:00

An authoritative medical body has now declared its nonsense to try to change a gay person's sexual orientation.

So all those people that just thought gay people suffered from some sort of personality disorder or sickness can just realize the error of their ways and accept homosexuals and lesbians for who they are.

That should be no problem, right? What else could be the hangup?

Path of Leash Resistance

2009-08-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

The Kid Leash has some appeal, we guess -- it's unlikely for Junior to get abducted while he's tethered to your belt.

But if you're the type who needs to tie up your kids to get them under control, maybe you should have thought harder about the whole "having children" thing in the first place.

And if you insist on dragging your toddler through the Verizon store by a strap, better make sure no one has video capabilities on their cell phone.

Going Postal

2009-08-04T06:43:00.000-07:00

Tough times at America's post offices: What with the digital bill-paying and the e-mail, the USPS is looking at a $7 billion loss this year. They might even have to shut down a few post offices.

Some of the things we'll miss about the post office:

* The can-do! attitude of the morbidly obese zombies working behind the counter

* The weekly $.02 price hike for stamps

* The line of humanity snaking out the front door

* The great selection of stamps, featuring "Flags blowing in the wind" and "Holiday Nutcrackers 5-pack"

* The smell

* The edgy drifter hanging out by the packing tape

* The threat of a postal working going ... well, postal

Did Ryan O'Neal really need to reveal he hit on his daughter at Farrah's funeral? Probably not.

2009-08-04T04:55:00.000-07:00

In the September issue of Vanity Fair Ryan O'Neal explains that he mistakenly hit on daughter Tatum at Farrah Fawcett's funeral.

Making that admission seems egregious, even for Ryan O'Neal. Tough to see what the upside is here.

Out with it

2009-08-03T12:11:00.000-07:00

"I hate to say it but..."

No you don't, in fact you're downright giddy over what's coming next - so why the not-at-all-coy euphemism?

Next you're going to tell us you're not the type of guy to say "I told you so."

One Snuggie To Rule Them All

2009-08-03T05:53:00.000-07:00

People love their dogs. People love their Snuggies.

And dogs love nothing more than the feeling of being confined in a fleece straight jacket.

When you think about it, the whole thing was inevitable.

That's Him, Officer -- The One With His Name Tattooed On His Face

2009-07-31T08:13:00.000-07:00

We've got nothing against tats in general -- it's your coloring book, crayola it up however you like.

But if you're the kind of dude who likes to knock over the occasional liquor store, understand that you're going to be easy to finger in the police line-up.

Hat tip: Patricia Lundstrom

This Ebay auction is totally crackers

2009-07-31T05:35:00.000-07:00

20 people so far have found it irresistable to buy a box of saltine crackers off Ebay.

And why not? Where else could you possibly find such a thing- "12 stay fresh packs inside. Great with soups, chili, and oysters.

What a deal at $7.99 and such a generous return policy " 7 day money back, buyer pays return shipping"

We might just have to get sick and order a box.

Tips For A Better ESPN Anchor Nudie Video

2009-07-30T07:04:00.000-07:00

If, as some suspect, the Erin Andrews nudie video was a publicity stunt, it was poorly executed. While there was some initial buzz, the video hasn't nearly approached the heights of, say, 2003's Paris Hilton vid. Internet sex scandals are tricky business, Erin -- here's where you went wrong:

1. The video quality is poor, at best. Too much backlight. Soft focus. Shaky camera movement. Who shot this, Stuart Scott using his bad eye?

2. You were ironing. Granted, you were ironing naked. But still. We can watch women iron at home.

3. It's hard to find. Marketing is about distribution, distribution, distribution. Paris knew this -- every time she threatened to "stop" the tape, another million copies flew around the Internet. Tell the ESPN lawyers to go smoke a cigar -- you got this one.

If you're listening, Linda Cohn, we know you can do better.

The kids will be drinking this with Red Bull soon.

2009-07-30T05:59:00.000-07:00

Absinthe is making a comeback worldwide and an importer is even partnering with Virgin Airlines on an in-flight promotion where you can drink a glass of The Green Fairy.

We think its only a matter of time before it gives vodka a run for its money as a chief mixer with The Urine-Colored Fairy, Red Bull.

This parking ticket was brought to you by the sun

2009-07-29T05:35:00.000-07:00

Widespread adoption of solar power has long been confined to the calculator, until now.

In a dazzingly-annoying application of ingenuity the technology has now been successfully transferred to parking meters.

Now we can all marvel at how much energy is being saved as we fumble through our pockets and purses looking for quarters.

Bing To A Screeching Halt

2009-07-28T15:34:00.000-07:00

The main problem with Microsoft's new Bing search service is ... well, there wasn't a problem to begin with. People seem to be perfectly happy with their current search -- which is why no one even calls it "search" anymore. (It's called "google.")

Maybe Microsoft would be better off fixing its terrible Windows XP -- now there's something that could stand improving. The Zune isn't setting the world on fire -- although again, it came late to the game in a market where people were pretty well satisfied with their iPods.

Hey, how about talking paper clips? That's a market that's relatively unoccupied.

When we hired you, Johnson, I don't recall you saying anything about a family

2009-07-28T08:42:00.000-07:00

A job advice column warns workers about littering their desks with pictures of family. Said worker might appear "less dedicated to his job and anxious to get home."

Shouldn't bosses dedicated to THEIR jobs have better things to do than inspecting desk pictures?

Obama, the Professor and the Cop all drink crappy beer

2009-07-28T05:43:00.000-07:00

A CNN "UPDATE" below on the upcoming meeting between the President, Professor Gates and Officer Crowley. We have bolded the crappy beer they will be drinking, for your convenience.

Expect more yelling after they all get tuned up on garbage.

UPDATE: The White House has revealed what beer will be served at the much-anticipated meeting later this week: Bud for the president and Blue Moon for Crowley. The Boston Globe reports Gates likes Red Stripe and Beck's.

Don't chiropractors have enough of an image problem?

2009-07-27T07:05:00.000-07:00

We love animals and we generally like chiropractors.

But somehow chiropractors that practice on animals feels really weird and not a little bit suspicious.

After all, how is King the Dog going to relay that he's been adjusted properly?

That College Education Is About To Pay Off Big Time

2009-07-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

According to AOL, there's good news on the job front! While you may have been laid off from your job as a stock analyst or physician's assistant, some big companies are hiring today!

Family Dollar, the #1 company on the list, is looking for some assistant store managers. (And this week, you can get a pack of 20 foam cups for only $1!)

Number 2 on the list, Pizza Hut, has plenty of "team member and delivery driver" opportunities available.

That recession was nice while it lasted.

The Compost Nazi ruins the compost experience for everyone

2009-07-24T05:19:00.000-07:00

There's a lot to like about farmer's markets: fresh produce that's not lathered in harmful chemicals, etc.

But we've noticed one thing we can do without: the Compost Nazi.

Unlike this friendly cartoon character the Compost Nazi sits by the area where you're supposed to throw biodegradable material and berates you for either putting in the wrong thing or not putting in the right thing.

We just need a little help dude, not torn apart for our lack of understanding about what contains nitrogen.

The NRA can't get out of its own way

2009-07-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

First off, we own guns & hunt, there can't be any saying we're against, or weak-knee'd about that, so we're saying this now:

The NRA often looks like a bunch of wild-eyed, irrational gomers because they attack anyone instantly who isn't rabidly sycophantic about their cause.

Yeah, that's the way the game is played, we get it - but isn't the way to get more flies with honey - or at least with good arguments?

Today they just went back to the same old playbook on Sonia Sotomayor and they look just as nuts as usual.

Could you please open Kate Moss' head at 31st and Oak?

2009-07-23T00:11:00.000-07:00

Let's get this straight: They put Kate Moss on the side of a bus to sell Loreal ... when neither Kate Moss nor anyone who could afford Loreal products would be caught dead on public transportation.

Makes sense to us.

So Congress is on to Pet Health Care next, right?

2009-07-22T10:46:00.000-07:00

With health care reform looking like it's going in the tank there's absolutely no chance at ever taking a look at Pet Health Care Reform.

Might seen trivial but costs have skyrocketed - it's gotten so bad that pet insurance is now available.

We love the little furry devils but sheesh - and if you're rolling your eyes....until you've had to stick a couple grand in one you don't know what we're talking about - and we pray you never have to find out.

A Good Way To Lose A Baby In The Forest

2009-07-21T15:31:00.001-07:00

Dressing your baby in camouflage clothing makes a bold fashion statement, letting the world know Meghan is off to (a) a deer hunting stand or (b) Afghanistan.

Either way, let the good times roll.

Hot air about global warming

2009-07-21T06:12:00.000-07:00

We're not sure exactly what's going on with global warming other than it's happening in some form. The jury's still out on the causality and so forth.

But we are sure that we don't need to hear any more knee-jerk opinions from the guy that off-hand dismisses the whole thing simply because of ONE DAY of unseasonably cool weather.

All his hot air isn't helping things.

Finally -- beer for poor white people!

2009-07-20T14:49:00.000-07:00

The popular book and website "Stuff White People Like" made important distinctions -- that compendium was only about what well-to-do white people liked.

The other kind of white people? They like different things, like Kid Rock and cheap beer.

So it's no surprise that Kid Rock is launching American Badass Beer, "an easy-to-drink lager with no aftertaste."

No worries on the drinkability front, Kid Rock -- taste is something your fans don't seem to care about.

Check Your Body

2009-07-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

Ok cancer that's it.

Bad enough that you killed almost 8 million people worldwide in 2007 and caused untold suffering to millions of others and their families.

But now you've gone and cancelled the Beastie Boys' tour and postponed their album.

Cancer, you are such a chump. We hope you get what you got coming to you.

The Punch List, July 20, 2009

2009-07-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

Think Local, Pay Starbucks

2009-07-17T06:07:00.001-07:00

Transformers is not only the summer's biggest hit (so far): It's also Starbucks' new business strategy.

Much like sports cars that are secretly giant, imposing robots, that new "neighborhood" coffee joint may secretly be a Starbucks.

A Seattle Starbucks is renovating to become "15th Avenue Coffee And Tea," hoping to capture a sense of community and local flavor with a name change and some funky new couches.

Local coffee shops say Starbucks is ripping off their mojo. (Starbucks officials literally visited popular locally-owneds in the area and took notes.)

We're guessing we can tell the difference -- we can smell the corporate stench of desperation from here.

Hat tip: Dave Awl!