Half Man, Half Ass

Us Magazine reports that Alex Rodriguez has two commissioned paintings hanging in his bedroom depicting him as a centaur.

We expect no less.

It Only Sucks To Be Them

According to CNNMoney, these jobs are best at combining high stress and low pay:

1. Social worker

2. Special events coordinator

3. Parole officer

4. News reporter

5. Music ministry director

If your job isn't on the list, stop bitching and get back to work.

Sugar Shock

Halloween's over, so why is there still so much candy sitting in dishes around the office?

All the good stuff's gone now, so will somebody please eat the circus peanuts?

Sammy Sosa's Reputation Will Never Be As White As His Skin

Yep, that's Sammy Sosa, looking like a stunt double in the "Smooth Criminal" video.

It's all thanks to a "skin rejuvenation process," says a Cubs employee who still speaks to the disgraced slugger.

Creepy.

Finally -- bottle-nose pliers I can wear on my arm

Things that could go wrong while wearing The Tool Bandit, "the all-purpose magnetic tool organizer that you can wear on your arm."

* Pointy objects worn on your arm easily forgotten when you scratch your nose.

* High-powered magnets erase laptop hard drives that you happen to walk near.

* Chance of being mistaken for a handy Nazi.

(Hat tip: John Urban.)

Mommy's Little Shoe Fetishist

According to Yahoo!, baby luxuries are going out of style. Mainly because no one can afford them.

Boo hoo, then, to designer Marc Jacobs, who's losing sales on his $195 Mary Jane baby shoes.

... Maybe this recession isn't such a bad thing.

We're Just Saying

There might have been a time in 1992 when Paul Reiser's "I'm just saying" was mildly amusing.

That time has passed.

(Hat tip: Kevin E.)

Scare Traffic Control

Want a great job and high pay without the hassle of going to school?

Air traffic controller is the gig for you. On average, you haul in $117,200 and retire at age 50. Two years of on-the-job training is all you need to start your exciting career of watching dots move across screens.

Think about that the next time you're about to board.

For Everyone Who Hates That Extra Hour of Sunlight

If there's anything better than driving to work in the dark, it's driving home in the dark.

Don't forget to set your clocks back.

This Is It (We Hope)

Yep, there's something morbid and creepy about a Michael Jackson concert movie. Does he look sick? Do we actually get to see him collapse? Is that Corey Feldman?

Go see it, if you must. Then can we let that tortured soul rest in peace?

Free Costs $150

It's a tough economy, so there are more and more free offers out there.

Problem is, most things that are free can cost $150 and up. That's why we prefer "cheap."

The First Taste Is Free

Watch-all-you-want-for-free video service Hulu will start charging to view (at least some stuff) in 2010.

It's an age-old selling model: The first taste is free.

All That Glitters

Unless you're doing this for Halloween, knock it off.

Rappers in Ugly Sweaters

Bill Cosby, long a slapper-downer of nasty rappers and foul-mouthed comics, is releasing his own hip-hop album.

It has Eric Clapton on it.

It's not clean music, says Cos. "What I like is 'what you're not going to do.' You're not going to curse. You're not going to put women down. You're not going to put the glory of the gun somewhere. And you're not going to put a whole lot of violence up front like that's the thing that will cleanse you and make you feel better."

We're sure this is going to be a big hit with the kids -- 'cause there's nothing the teens like better than "What You're Not Going To Do."

Did we mention this hip-hop record has Eric Clapton on it?

Back To The Ice Cream Of The Future

For more than 20 years, dippin' dots has advertised itself as "ice cream of the future."

It's that's true, it's going to be a nasty-tasting, freezer-burn-your-tongue, barely-fruit-flavored tomorrow.

Couldn't we get jet-packs instead?

My Daughter, the Devil Grrrrrl

We get that Halloween has become Official Dress Like A Tramp night for many women -- and we're not necessarily opposed.

But when did this become short skirt night for little girls? Here's a nice number for 'tweens (is that 11 year olds? 12?) courtesy of Party City, complete with faux-leather bodice and fishnet stockings.

Could little girls please dress like bumblebees at least until, say, high school?

I'm Sorry, Were You Gone?

Garth Brooks announced he's coming out of retirement to play a series of shows in Vegas.

Since his "retirement" in 2000, Garth has released the following singles: Wrapped Up in You (2001), Squeeze Me In (2002), Thicker Than Blood (2002), Why I Ain't Running (2003), Good Ride Cowboy (2005), Love Will Always Win (2006), That Girl Is A Cowboy (2006), More Than a Memory (2007), Workin' For A Livin"(with Huey Lewis, 2007) and Midnight Sun (2008).

Welcome back, big guy. We missed you.

Translation: I Hate Your Ass Face

The euphemism "irreconcilable differences" makes it sound like nothing can be done to save a marriage. We tried, but it's impossible! In fact, it's irreconcilable!

Let's be honest: You're sick of your spouse's shit and it's just easier to move on.

Zero Tolerance For Idiots

Dangerous criminal Zach Christie, 6, was sentenced to 45 days at an alternative school for bringing his favorite camping gizmo to school -- a folding fork/spoon/knife combo with which he intended to eat his lunch.

The school board, only after the national humiliation that comes with being a bunch of idiots, downgraded the punishment to a 3-5 day suspension.

No weapons in school. We get it. But since when did we become so intolerant of common sense?

Halloween, just barely sub-Christmas

Halloween has devolved into a commercial free-for-all nearly on par with Christmas.

That isn't any earth-shattering revelation but we're just sad about it. Halloween used to be our favorite holiday, and now its just another reason to get mad at how something fun has been turned crappy.

But go put on your Dog the Bounty Hunter costume and have a great time, we'll be sitting around a fire throwing in Halloween circulars.