Coal Miners' President?

So for all you "he's a socialist, no-business experience, left-wing nutjob President hell-bent on destroying our economy and country" screamers out there:

Here's a story about the Obama administration giving mining companies tacit approval to continue blowing the tops off Appalachian mountains in search of coal.

What a left wing nutjob indeed.

Catcher in the Rye II: Electric Boogaloo

If you really want to hear about it, an unauthorized sequel to "The Catcher in the Rye" was a crumby idea in the first place. It really was.

The whole idea makes us blue as hell. We don't even like sequels. We mean, they don't even interest us, we swear to God they don't.

Anyway, we keep picturing all these sneaky authors typing goddamn sequels in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of authors, and nobody's around - nobody except us. What we have to do, we have to catch everybody trying to make a dollar off the 60-year-old work of a reclusive author. We mean they're trying to rip the old guy off and we have to catch them. We know it's crazy, but that's what we'd like to do.

My dope rhymes will convince you of our low, low prices

The "local television commercial in which lame white people rap about a product or service" has become its own sub-genre.

God help us all.

No matter where you are you can count on it

There isn't a local news station in the U.S. that doesn't have "Storm Team" coverage now.

Doppler radar is showing a giant patch of hyperbole and we can't be sure how it's going to track.

Our business card may be crap, but at least we don't have hair plugs

Looks like crap.  Is crap.  

Blame John Stamos

The problem with a lot of celebrity tell-alls is that the "celebrity" hasn't done a whole hell of a lot.

So give it up for Jodie Sweetin, aspiring author and Stephanie Tanner on Full House.

Like our best child stars, she followed up her television career with an addiction to methadone, coke, and ecstasy.

Like ten years with Bob Saget wouldn't do this to you.

Guyliner guidelines

We're going to set a couple guidelines that for a man to acceptably wear eyeliner he needs to either:

A. - Be in a band that has a show within the next four hours.

B.- Have some sort signed endorsement agreement with a mascara company that proves he gets paid to look so silly.

That should about do it. Sorry, no vampire-culture exemptions at this time.