The bitch slap line forms here

From the June issue of Allure magazine:

Allure:  Is being too good-looking really a problem for an actress?
Jessica Biel:  "Yeah, it really is a problem. I have to be blunt."

Having the acting ability of a fire plug doesn't help either, sweetheart.

That balloon is beaming me aboard for probing

Several Arizonans spotted a UFO hovering above them in a clear blue sky Monday.

NASA officials put everyone's minds at ease, explaining that the UFO was really ... wait for it ...

A balloon.

After all these years, is that the best they can do?

Substitute a guy on a horse for a guy in a canoe and you've got it.

As much as they try to claim differentiation from one another, every state's ad campaign is pretty much the same thing.

Cue the family having fun.

Was there always a Tilt-A-Whirl outside the Radio Shack?

Carnivals are creepy enough in their natural habitats.

But it's extra-freeeky when they appear out of nowhere in the shopping mall parking lot.

We imagine carnival-gypsies apparating in the night, magically assembling the Imagine Dragon Wagon before the Orange Julius crew arrives.  

Almost there ... almost there ... DAMMIT!

The crane game is the arcade version of the lottery -- a place to throw away your money with virtually no hope of reward.

What separates the crane game from other time wasters is its unnatural cruelty -- allowing you to pick up the stuffed giraffe and carry it ALMOST to the winner hole before falling safely out of your grasp.

We hate you, crane game.

Also the universal call sign for waitresses in distress

Anyone over the eighth-grade level that employs "xoxo" as a signoff might want to rethink how they look in the eyes of regular people who don't spend all day on Facebook or texting.

Muy Loco

Last year, Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson informed the NFL he was changing his name to Ocho Cinco.  (He wears, of course, #85.)

Now Ocho Cinco has legally changed his name again, this time to the single word "Ochocinco."

You know, like Cher.