Monday, August 31, 2009

Wrap Rage

Three annoying things about the clamshell package:

1. The half-hour it takes to get the effing thing open.

2. The fact that the precious cargo inside is usually the cheapest phone/mp3 player/children's toy on the shelf.

3. The puncture wound from the kitchen knife you used to open it requires four stitches and a tetanus shot.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Rock N Roll Heaven Looks A Lot Like Guitar Hero 5

Virtual Kurt Cobain returns from the dead to rock Guitar Hero 5.

We're sorta glad we're not famous -- living forever looks creepier all the time.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Do You Take This Woman To Be Your Valued Residential And Commerical Real Estate Agent?

It's hard to open a local newspaper without seeing pictures of the husband-wife real estate teams working hard to serve you.

Call us crazy, but we're nervous about a couple bringing their marital problems to our real-estate sale.

Check out the Jamisons at right (Philadelphia's #1 Husband and Wife Realtor Team!) -- Kevin seems like he's ready to sell, but Darlene isn't quite ready to forgive last night's drunken fantasy football draft.

We'll stick with the spinster lady -- less baggage.

Ace, the place, the angry people working there

Ace Hardware advertises itself as being "the place" to go for "friendly advice" about home improvement projects and questions about hardware.

Why is it then that every time we're there it's an uncomfortable conversation with the angry retiree helper-guy where we're reminded about how little we know about the subjects we're asking about.

Case in point: Chastising last night for not knowing the correct manufacturer on the quart of paint we wanted to buy. We left with it 20 minutes later.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Tear off the soul

We're really, really skeptical of soul patches, bro - most of the time they don't work, no matter how full of soul you might think they are.

But don't just take our word for it.

Monday, August 24, 2009


Miss Venezuela was named Miss "Universe" yesterday. Congratulations, Dayana Mendoza -- we're sure you're one of the loveliest ladies ON OUR PLANET.

Something tells us the judges might have been a little Earth-centric ...

And there might be a few beauties out there to contest the whole universe thing.

We're starting to tear up

Amaretto-Creme, Candy-corn, Fern - these are just a few of the whacked-out scents that candles come in now.

Makes us long for the heady, simple days of cheap, red candles our mom used to buy and only put out at Christmas.

Now it seems we can't walk into anybody's house without at least having the chance of gagging because of Clary-Sage in the bathroom.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Guns Don't Kill People. Waitresses Do.

On the same day Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress was sentenced to two years for carrying a gun, deputies in Midland County, Texas were throwing back some Bud Lights and taking pictures of their waitress fondling their rifles.

The incident occurred at a restaurant known for its "fun, friendly and sometimes flirty!" atmosphere.

The deputies admitted to having about five beers each before setting the waitress atop their cruiser. The Texas Department of Transportation kicks off its Labor Day "Drink, Drive, Go To Jail" campaign today.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The Rich Get Richer-er

Chase Manhattan has launched Chase Sapphire, a credit card designed exclusively for the bank's wealthiest customers. Rewards, travel bonuses, round-the-clock service -- it's all on a silk pillow for the Sapphire elite.

And did we mention the card has no spending limit?

It's the perfect card for our times. Way to sniff the zeitgeist, Chase.

Because nothing says "freedom" like a semi-automatic weapon

People keep showing up at Obama speeches carrying guns, including a Phoenix dude Monday packing an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle. Why the firestick, chief? "Because in Arizona," he told The Arizona Republic, "we still have some freedoms."

You're right, pal -- and you make us all proud to be Americans. But let's be up front about why people like you carry guns like that: To scare the hell out of everyone.

Mission accomplished. We're officially spooked that you're out there.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Belly Up

The pot belly is the new signifier of hip, according to the New York Times. “The six-pack abs obsession got so prissy it stopped being masculine,” explains Aaron Hicklin, editor of Out.

If that's the case, we here at YAFTG are pretty goddamn cool.

Yeah, go away maybe

"You go, girl".

This one's pretty self-explanatory.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Supergroups=musical kryptonite

Another "supergroup" debuted this month on a stage near Lollapalooza -- Them Crooked Vultures features members of Foo Fighters, Queens of the Stone Age, and Led Zeppelin (!).

Unfortunately, these all-star gatherings usually end up as less than the sum of their parts.

Take Damn Yankees -- please. Tommy Shaw of Styx, Jack Blades of Night Ranger, and -- why the hell not -- Ted Nugent, teamed up to create some ear-splintering power ballads.

Power Station combined a little Duran Duran, a little Chic, and some Robert Palmer to snore up an uninspired remake of "Bang a Gong."

It almost makes one wistful for the obligatory lead-singer solo album.

Altamont is more representative of what the Boomers became than Woodstock

We'd like to start a campaign to get the 40th anniversary of Altamont recognized as the cultural milestone of the Baby Boomers, instead of that insipid Woodstock.

On a musical level, it had better bands and better performances.

More importantly though, from a cultural perspective - it didn't even try to thinly disguise money-grubbing business moves designed to benefit a small group of people = like paying the Hells Angels $500 in beer to watch over the stage.

Those kinds of things were harbingers of what the Boomers were really all about - as we got to see in the years to come.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Let's review the meaning of the word "nazi," shall we?

Nazism: A political ideology widely considered to be a form of fascism. Key elements include racism, eliminating those unworthy of life such as homesexuals or Jews, and totalitarianism.

Unless masses of humanity are being slaughtered in the examples below, the term "nazi" therefore should not be used to describe:

* The office manager who is stingy with pens;
* Your strict junior high math teacher;
* Persons who think differently than you about the best way to finance health care.

Thank you.

The worst candy ever made

Taking a marginally-likeable side dish and elevating it to candy status is no easy feat but that also doesn't mean the stuff is any good.

In fact, Boston Baked Beans are just plain terrible.

The thing we do like about them is that they're apparently self-aware enough to capitalize the "B" and "S" in their name - a subtle, yet honest admission as to their place in the world.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Surprise! Crook Goes To Jail!

Bernie Madoff's ex-CFO got a big surprise yesterday after pleading guilty to conspiracy and helping Madoff run his epic Ponzi scheme: The judge sent him packing to the pokie.

Defense attorney Marc Mukasey said his client, Frank DiPascali, "was completely unprepared for this." After all, his client was a white collar criminal who was genuninely repetent. He had even cooperated with the FBI! Even the prosecution attorneys were surprised to see DiPascali led off in cuffs.

Huzzah to U.S. District Judge Richard Sullivan!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Heidi Montag's Breasts Are Beautiful Art

Heidi Montag's new Playboy nudies are "beautiful art," according to new husband and professional prick Spencer Pratt.

"Not, like, Picasso art -- real beautiful art, you know what I'm saying?" Pratt was saying.

"See her powerful curves. They are powerful!" he told Us Magazine. "It's an honor. I feel like I did something great, like I should get a trophy!"

Keep your trophy, Spence -- we'll take the Picasso.

Hat tip: Noa Azoulay-Sclater

The official baloney of pro sports

The NFL secured a sponsorship agreement with a company for official toiletries.

Major League Baseball can boast an official oatmeal.

The NBA has a brand-new official fast food, their first change since 1990.

Even the lowly NHL has an official cracker, cookie and snack mix.

The really great thing about all this is not only do you get to be bombarded with it at every opportunity when watching these leagues, because the advertisers pass along the sponsorship costs you also get to pay for it.

Monday, August 10, 2009

All the crap in one convenient package

Valpak doesn't make us hate junk mail any less -- but at least it's all crammed in one envelope for easy disposal.

Friday, August 7, 2009

A Hot Steaming Slice of Putin

Reportedly worried about the muscle being flexed by Western leaders, Russian head honcho Vladmir Putin recently posed for this shirtless candid, ruggedly extending his rod into the waters of international diplomacy.

Well played, sir!

Mr. Obama -- your move?

The ring is not class

Most class rings are gaudy, ostentatious things and really good for very little other than to prove you once had an interaction with some creepy guy from Jostens.

If you're still wearing one on a daily basis out of a sense of nostalgia for your school days, then good for you, why not trot out the old mortarboard also and make every day graduation day?

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Jenny, I Got Your Number For $25 Grand

Five grand was the winning eBay bid for 867-5309, Jenny's phone number from Tommy Tutone's 1982 hit.

That was for the Philly area code. The Jersey version went for $25,000 on eBay in February.

We're guessing the combined $30,000 is more than Tommy Tutone has earned in the last decade.

Since there's no point in trying to change a person's sexual orientation now we can all move on

An authoritative medical body has now declared its nonsense to try to change a gay person's sexual orientation.

So all those people that just thought gay people suffered from some sort of personality disorder or sickness can just realize the error of their ways and accept homosexuals and lesbians for who they are.

That should be no problem, right? What else could be the hangup?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Path of Leash Resistance

The Kid Leash has some appeal, we guess -- it's unlikely for Junior to get abducted while he's tethered to your belt.

But if you're the type who needs to tie up your kids to get them under control, maybe you should have thought harder about the whole "having children" thing in the first place.

And if you insist on dragging your toddler through the Verizon store by a strap, better make sure no one has video capabilities on their cell phone.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Going Postal

Tough times at America's post offices: What with the digital bill-paying and the e-mail, the USPS is looking at a $7 billion loss this year. They might even have to shut down a few post offices.

Some of the things we'll miss about the post office:

* The can-do! attitude of the morbidly obese zombies working behind the counter
* The weekly $.02 price hike for stamps
* The line of humanity snaking out the front door
* The great selection of stamps, featuring "Flags blowing in the wind" and "Holiday Nutcrackers 5-pack"
* The smell
* The edgy drifter hanging out by the packing tape
* The threat of a postal working going ... well, postal

Did Ryan O'Neal really need to reveal he hit on his daughter at Farrah's funeral? Probably not.

In the September issue of Vanity Fair Ryan O'Neal explains that he mistakenly hit on daughter Tatum at Farrah Fawcett's funeral.

Making that admission seems egregious, even for Ryan O'Neal. Tough to see what the upside is here.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Out with it

"I hate to say it but..."

No you don't, in fact you're downright giddy over what's coming next - so why the not-at-all-coy euphemism?

Next you're going to tell us you're not the type of guy to say "I told you so."

One Snuggie To Rule Them All

People love their dogs. People love their Snuggies.

And dogs love nothing more than the feeling of being confined in a fleece straight jacket.

When you think about it, the whole thing was inevitable.