Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Just in Case You Weren't Feeling Like Enough Of A Drone

For some reason, we always see IT guys forced to dress like this -- in matching cotton polo shirts with the name of the company embroidered over the left nipple.

Is it some leftover Catholic school belief that dressing alike leads to discipline and hive-mind?

Or a marketing guru who insists on branding everything? (Though we can't imagine someone choosing a company based on the poplin shirt they saw on some guy at Panera.)

Just be glad you don't have a closet full of these.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

My Trouble is Christmas

Yep, the Christmas decorations are out at Target.

Yep, it's September.

Let the holiday malaise begin.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Can we call it a "basement full of guy crap"?

"Man Cave" - This overchuckled piece of the bro-lexicon has now not-suprisingly been appropriated by a multilevel marketing company hustling grilling tools, poker chips and of course, meat. They refer to the gatherings as MEATings.

There's a reason these things are typically in basements --too bad it all didn't stay underground.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Free Body Shots!

Rachel's, a Florida adult entertainment and steakhouse (guessing health inspectors have a field day there), is offering free flu shots between lap dances.

Line up, seniors -- dinner starts at 4.

Attention Twitter followers of Levar Burton: the Onion has been online 13 years and is not an actual news outlet.

Yesterday Twitter followers of Levar Burton were outraged that he had penned on Op-Ed entitled "My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over" in the Onion.

His Star Trek followers likely knew the Onion is a satirical publication but Levar had to let the public television crowd know that he didn't actually author the article.

levarburton: Attention all un-believers THE ONION is satirical parody of news events and meant to be enjoyed as such! No I did not write it! Relax, OK?

The only revelation that might have been more devastating for these people is that Mark Russell cannot actually play the piano.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Readers Surprised To Learn Reader's Digest Still Exists

Raise your hand if you've seen an actual copy since the turn of the century. Even the dentist doesn't keep this around anymore.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

One More Reason To Love Swine Flu

All the cool kids are getting their swine flu shots.

Of course, if you get vaccinated today, your body will need at least five weeks to develop full immunity. You'll be good to go, say, around Thanksgiving.

The peak of swine flu season this year? October.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Screw You, Darwin

An elderly Chinese woman made this discovery: A snake born with a HAND.

Somewhere, Michael Crichton's nipples just got hard.

Friday, September 18, 2009

In Addition To Her Journalistic Credentials, She's Awesome At Beer Pong

Welcome the Today Show's newest correspondent, Jenna Bush Hager.

It's nice to see young people rewarded for years of hard work in journalism school, working their way up through the ranks of no-pay, no-glory small market television, breaking the tough stories that make one's mark in the business ...

Oh wait, we're thinking of the women who *didn't* get the job.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

You May Now Shake Your Head Sadly At The Bride

Get ready for more badly choregraphed wedding production numbers, where the bride and groom (who already have the spotlight) find more ways to say "Look at us!"

Blame Jill and Kevin, whose dance-tastic chapel video earned them a spot on the morning talk shows.

The world is becoming a bad reality show.

(Hat tip: Kevin E.)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

There is no debate about the uninsured, if you're into rational self-interest.

Somewhere in the health care debate yelling logic got lost.

Cover every American and both sides get what they want, coverage for every American and lower costs - it's really pretty simple:

1. All uninsured Americans are driving up the cost of health care:

2. All insured Americans are paying more because of these uninsured Americans:

3. Therefore all insured Americans are driving up their cost of health care.

Now we'll leave it to Washington to make sure nothing happens.

His Wife Is Going To Keep Her Maiden Name

Meet The Artist Formerly Known as Andreas Jankov.

The Norweigan bus driver recently changed his name to Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacca Highlander Elesser-Jankov.

No matter how much he tries, the guy's still a Jankov.

(hat tip: Tony Wood)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Your PC Will Run Faster -- After the First 20 Hours or So

We were excited about upgrading to Windows 7 -- until we heard the installation can take up to 21 hours.

Gosh, Mr. Gates, you're just *begging* for a new series of Mac ads, aren't you?

You won't have any trouble finding The Lost Symbol

With an initial print run of between 5 and 6.5 million copies there's no way you'll be able to walk into an airport, through a park or on a beach without tripping on The Lost Symbol.

Expect to see Tom Hanks rooting around a lot of underground tunnels in the movie.

Monday, September 14, 2009

His Hot Airness

Michael Jordan is universally revered as The Greatest Player Ever. So why, in his Hall of Fame induction speech, did he feel the need to take a barbed poke at:

* His high school basketball coach
* The high school kid who won Mr. North Carolina instead of him
* The high school upperclassman who made varsity instead of him
* Jeff Van Gundy
* Jerry Krause
* George Gervin
* Isiah Thomas
* Magic Johnson
* Byron Russell

Remember Michael, you tried to play baseball.

Friday, September 11, 2009

First Among Dorks

First! Comment Guy is known for a few things:

* While he's typing "First!", someone inevitably beats him to the punch, making him second or third.

* An inability to spell either "first" or "comment."

* A pathological inability to lose his virginity.

(Thanks to reader Kevin E. for the suggestion. A "You Are Free To Go" executive stress ball is on the way.)

This makes us reconsider our opinion of D&D for sure

It's bad enough to hear tales of sitting through four-hour drafts and white knuckle tirades about missed trade opportunities but this represents a new level of unsettling committment: fantasy football insurance.

You take out a policy on a player and if that player should fall to injury for the remainder of the season you get reimbursed the entry fee to the "league". Worse yet, it's becoming big business.

If you'd consider something like this, fine: but no more making fun of that guy carrying around a set of D&D dice in a Crown Royal bag.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

New Rules for Presidential Addresses

1. If it wouldn't be allowed in a third-grade classroom, it's not allowed during a Presidential speech to Congress.

2. If you accuse someone of lying, you got to back that shit up.

3. If you don't like government-supplied health insurance, please give up yours and give it to someone who does.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Vampires - blaugh!

Vampires, vampires, vampires - they're getting to be a bit much - what someone needs to do is take a good, hard, critical look at all the lore and see what adds up. What we need is a satire on the genre that doesn't pander...

Well, well - looky here, it seems someone has done just that. Maybe we'll let vampire thing hang around a little longer.

Friday, September 4, 2009


A manager in New Zealand was fired recently for reprimanding her employees with emails written in ALL CAPS.

Her style was found to cause DISHARMONY IN THE WORKPLACE, so she was FIRED WITHOUT WARNING.

If her employer has nothing better to worry about than people's email uppercase/lowercase style, she's probably better off working somewhere else.

Even if she does SOUND LIKE A BITCH.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Sweet, Reliable Ride Thieves Count On

The number one stolen car in America? The 1994 Honda Accord.

Apparently, America's hoodlums appreciate the reliable safety record and 4-cylinder power of this fuel-efficient family sedan.

Our dads have never looked cooler.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Sweat & Minor Threat

This could be the next exercise fad to come down the pike: "Punk Rope" - which basically is a lot like jumping rope until you see the kilted instructor and realize it's totally punk.

Waving around swords, crawling on the ground - completely crazy workouts that couldn't possibly be achieved with pushups, situps or taking a run.

As usual MSN is all over this latest juggernaut, check out their college-level coverage of it here.