Friday, January 30, 2009

Go Daddy. Just Go.

The attractive yet oddly asexual Danica Patrick s-l-o-w-l-y unzips her leather jacket.

Because nothing says "domain registration and web hosting" like IndyCar racing and half-hearted sexual innuendo.

If you're heading to Vegas, put $50 on "I bet they'll tease a "too hot for TV!" version before the third quarter."

Let them be in the shadows

Ninjas have been co-opted and made go-to staples for hipsters in their Collection of Ironic References.

We've been made to feel sorry for ninjas.

Yet another reason to hate hipsters.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Party! Oh, and there's a game on

We appreciate the effort, Neighbor Lady Throwing the Super Bowl Party.  

But nothing says "I've never seen a football game in my life" like football-themed napkins, streamers, and centerpieces.  

If it would work at a 6-year-old's birthday party, it's probably not appropriate.

Thanks for the funny hat, but some Mexican bean dip and a bigscreen TV are all we need.

Seeing Indiana portrayed that way on the side of a truck is what did it for me

With a study finding that half of Americans would like to live somewhere else, we're betting U-Haul ramps up painting flowery descriptions of U.S. destinations on the sides of its rental trucks.

Sure, tell a guy living in Ohio that Michigan's better.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Super Bo ... Er, Big Game Shuffle

A few years back, NFL legal vermin started slapping down your local sports bar for advertising its "Super Bowl Party!" 

"You can't have a 'Super Bowl' party unless you're an officially licensed Super Bowl sponsor!" charged the vermin.

Thus, the advent of "big game" advertising, a euphemism we're sure the NFL is scurrying to copyright.

Super Bowl, Super Bowl, Super Bowl.  Come and get us.

Give me an S, give me an A, give me a D, what's that spell?

Sam Walton started this (pictured at left), and it's certainly not original to stomp on Wal-Mart but for anyone who hasn't heard or seen the cheer that Wal-Mart and Sam's Club employees are forced to chant each morning before work, here it is:

Give me a W! Give me an A! Give me an L! Give me a squiggly! Give me an M! Give me an A! Give me an R! Give me a T! What's that spell? Wal-Mart!
Whose Wal-Mart is it? It's my Wal-Mart!
Who's number one? The customer! Always!

If you're interested how this goes in other languages/countries - check the Wal-Mart web site.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Jesus hates Donovan McNabb

But the Prince of Peace 
loves him some Kurt Warner.

Ever wonder what God looks 
like?  Now you can know, 
thanks to the sketchy 
pencil of Kurt Warner.

Please take your seat

Here is the list of shows Illinois govenor Rod Blagojevich has appeared on, or will appear on, as his impeachment trial proceeds without him:

Good Morning America, CBS' The Early Show, Nightline, Larry King Live, and naturally, The View.

You're Illinois' problem Rod.  Please go home and invoke the names of Nelson Mandela, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi there in your defense.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Operation Grandslam

In tough times some people put their money in gold bullion while others try to acquire the precious metal by prying it off teeth, fingers and out of safety deposit boxes.

So shiny and pretty.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

How would you kids like to make thirty dollars?

The problem with young, hip Super Bowl acts is that they rut onstage like badgers in heat, licking lips and exposing nipples.

The problem with old, no longer popular Super Bowl acts is that they make the game itself seem old and out of touch.

(See "Collins, Phil")

The solution? Hire buxom young women (ideally the age of Tom Petty's grandchildren) to pretend the Heartbreakers are Fall Out Boy.

Does anyone buy it?

Friday, January 23, 2009

Oh For Christ's Sake: Oh Brother

Jay McGuire, brother of disgraced slugger Mark McGuire is peddling a book confirming what everyone already knew:  

Big brother was on the junk.

Why a book?  Why now?

"My bringing the truth to surface about Mark is out of love. I want Mark to live in truth to see the light, to come to repentance so he can live in freedom -- which is the only way to live."

Because nothing says I love you like a six-figure book deal.

Real Stupid

Real Simple's magazine and website cashes in on the "simplify" craze by offering life-saving tips on ridiculously complicated tasks such as Organizing Your Bathroom and instructions on How to File.

Real Simple may have answers but we want to know why anybody would need to ask the questions.

Bai Bai

Bai Ling is "famous" for two reasons:

1. Inexplicably hooking up with oddball stars like Mickey Rourke and Ralph Fiennes, and

2. Her inability to keep both nipples inside her blouse.

Mother must be proud.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

There's only one Ray Stevens

The dustup over Chip Saltsman distributing a CD for Christmas containing "humorist" Paul Shanklin's magnum laugh load, "Barack the Magic Negro" is long gone.

But Shanklin is a frequent guest on Rush Limbaugh's show, so with Rush's announcement that he wants Obama to fail, we're saying Chip is definitely in front of his bathroom mirror night and day working up his next Barack yuck-yuck parody song.

Only a matter of time.

Dodie and the Amazing Technicolor Hairnet

You sort of expect college students to experiment with wacky hair colors -- what better way to flip off parents and The Administration than with a shocking green bob or purple beehive?

So what's behind the Waitress of a Certain Age and her desire to go Metallic Pink or Marge Simpson Blue?

Not that we're complaining. There's something about a crimson coiffure that makes that chili cheese scrambler go down great.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Praise Song For Those About To Return To Obscurity

Orator Obama is a tough act to follow.

Still and all, Inauguration Poet delivered the longest, most halting four-minute monologue we can remember.

"All about us is noise and bramble," recited Inauguration Poet.  Indeed.

And on a day of ovations, can the applause that followed her performance be classified as anything but "a smattering"?

Follow The Ladders

The Ladders, a job site with the hook that all the jobs pay above $100,000, has a new commercial that parodies safari shows. In this the hunters shoot the biggest chair out of a pack of fleeing chairs, instead of a trophy animal.

Kinda clever. Right up until the point it says "Do Not Attempt" on the bottom of the screen.

We wouldn't think of it.

Three publicists and a baby

Everyone's baby is cute. Just not as cute as mine.

Now sit up and smile like Daddy showed you in the van.

Monday, January 19, 2009

It's stuff. Stuff in a box.

Only four days left to bid on this box. According to the seller, there is stuff in it. TWENTY stuffs, in fact.

promises themole2005. Bid now!

They want their five dollars

Five dollar value meals.

Five dollar pizzas.

Five dollar footlongs.

Five dollars is THE value price point?

It's been confirmed: he's tiny

Verne Troyer has certainly played a role in his own endless humiliation.

No one forced him to be Mike Meyers' Mini Me ... or to let that skank videotape him getting busy ... or to get so wasted that Peter Brady had to carry his naked, drunken body back to bed on The Surreal Life 4.

But dressing the guy up as a baby bear eating porridge?

This time, Celebrity Big Brother 6, you've gone too far.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Yes, it's clear you smell like a gangsta-playuh caricature.

LL Cool J we like, and we're not calling his Old Spice Swagger ad a comeback, though we are calling it a silly failure that comes off as stupid despite its attempts to remind us of its contrived self-awareness.

That said we wouldn't be sad if Speed Stick went out and got Too Short.

It's a blanket -- with sleeves!

It's called a "robe" -- you're just wearing it backwards.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Farewell, bearded Joy of Sex dude

When the Joy of Sex was released 38 years ago, it featured the epitome of male sexuality: Bearded Sex Dude.

Part John Lennon, part Alan Alda, part Kris Kristofferson, Bearded Sex Dude showed a generation what it meant to be a sensitive master of the erotic arts.

Bearded Sex Dude didn't need Cialis. He knew positions -- the inversion, the croupade, the birdsong at morning.

With its 2009 update, the Joy of Sex has replaced Bearded Sex Dude with a soap opera actor.

Not even remotely the same.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Everything you wanted to know about what is essentially bottled tap water. clears up those puzzling, longstanding questions about how it takes seven steps to turn tap water into bottled water in its "How We Purify" section.

From there its right on to the "Water Facts" page for anyone who dimly thought water was just water.

We'd like to see some stories of personal experiences with Aquafina, or just water to really round things out.

You know it's cool when you spell it with a K

It's a celebration.

David Arquette is next if he hasn't already

Kevin Costner has a band, following in the footsteps of Russell Crowe, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Bacon, Jason Schwartzman and many others, including Billy Bob Thornton.

The saddest part is that it couldn't happen if people didn't listen.

Executives, your problems are over

Say you're a high-level executive at a world-class pharmaceutical company. Profits are down, the Feds are turning up the steam, and you could really use some of the drugs that the lab guys are cooking up.

Slow down, VP of Global Research and Development! No need for high-priced drugs when you have the Executive Stress Ball.

A few gentle squeezes and all your executive troubles drift away. A handsome addition to any desk.