Friday, May 29, 2009

Box of Kleenex: $1.29 Sterling Silver Kleenex Box Cover: $2,999

Nobody would buy used Kleenex on eBay, right?

But how about a used, sterling silver Kleenex cozy?  Although its owner admits the box needs a good polish, he's willing to let it go for a starting bid of $2,999.  (The "Buy It Now" price is $3,250.)

Made in Italy, this box for your Kleenex is sure to be a treasured heirloom for generations.

Bid now.

Misuse of 911, orange juice, and CNN

A dude in Oregon went to jail for calling 911 to complain he didn't get his orange juice at the McDonalds drive-thru window.

Complaining about fast-food orders is not what 911 is intended for, reports CNN.

And reporting about mishandled McDonalds orders isn't what CNN is intended for. Seriously, isn't someone blowing up a mosque somewhere? There's nothing better for you news giants to be covering?

We'll handle the orange juice stories, fellas. Stick to the big stuff.

Embedded video from CNN Video

Mommy, 2/3 of the NBA scares me

You just spent how long watching traveling, arguing with the referee after every call, and ridiculous displays of tattooing and dumb hair?

Well, at least the Finals are almost here.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Weezer and Snuggies. Of course. Why didn't we think of it first?

YAFTG continues its Fabric With Holes In It coverage with the Wuggie -- the offically sanctioned Weezer Snuggie.

As Rivers Cuomo (left) told Rolling Stone, "A Wuggie is basically exactly like a Snuggie, but it says Weezer on it."


Forget swine flu -- America has Zune Fever!

Great news, everybody! Microsoft is making its incredible Zune device even more fantastic by adding GAMING to the fun!


Wait. Microsoft still makes Zunes? Has anyone actually seen one of these in a real person's hand?

Run it up the flagpole and leave it there, forever

First off we'd like to make it clear that we're not flag wavers, but if we did decide to fly one we'd at least have the decency to ensure it was in good condition - not tattered and ratty.

But then again it's often obvious right away the condition of a worn flag isn't going to be a real high priority when contrasted with its surroundings.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Up Next: Wearable Bedsheets

Hot on the heels of the Snuggie (the blanket you can wear!) comes the Wearable Towel -- because who the heck has the time to wrap a regular towel around the waist?

Perfect for getting the paper. Perfect for becoming the object of neighborhood ridicule.

We've come to an inescapable conclusion: America is tired of pants.


It was a life-changer, that decision you made.

Now you're a guy wearing an applejack hat.

The key is to learn from your mistakes.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Show me the silence

"Monetize", which basically means: Try to get people to pay for something that has no business costing anything.

For $20, you can listen to my little sister sing "Disturbia"

The originals by Pink, Miley Cyrus, and Kanye are bad enough.

But throw 'em in a blender with pre-fab kids from a Target ad and a Casio keyboard?

You got yourself a Kidz Bop smoothie, guaranteed to boost glucose levels into the danger zone.

Careful, hon, that plate is hot

We like a hot meal as much as the next guy. But surely there's a way to prepare it without the plate becoming a flesh-searing hazard.

And don't get us started on the sizzling fajita platters.

Hey mister, you can't sleep here

You just had your first can of Drank, the "extreme relaxation beverage" named after a concoction of codeine syrup and soft drinks.

If you're still with us, know that Drank's key ingredients are: the hormone Melatonin, valerian root and rose hips, which are intended to help you "get your Drank on" - according the founder of the company.

Hopefully there's a Red Bull within arms reach when you come to.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Guess what just got the greenlight as a major motion picture?

Middle school band concert or geese murder? You decide.

We're all for young people learning to play music -- less time for them to feed their video game and online pornography habits.

Wouldn't it be better for all involved, however, if Professor I Could Have Been A Professional Sousaphone Player held off on the public concerts until the kids got a little better?

Public humiliation is no way to start a musical career.

But what kind of steak are we supposed to eat now?

Black Angus steakhouses filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, citing "locations in some of the areas hardest-hit by the mortgage crisis".

Before you start to panic just take a moment and think of all the other ways and places you enjoy great Black Angus beef, whatever it is.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Brad Pitt: Man of the People

Here's Brad Pitt, waving to fans this morning in Cannes.

And yes, he's wearing a freaking ascot.

The only people who should wear ascots are ... well, no one.  No one should wear an ascot.

They have chapels right in there

Praying that your loved ones recover from an illness is a good thing.

Just put them in a hospital and don't rely on a rosary as your sole means of medical care. Prayer just doesn't have a great track record as a cure.

Pippin or a cocktail fork in the eye?

We've got nothing against community theater per se --the moderately talented need a place to perform too.

But the publicity department needs to do something about the promotional photos running in the weekly rag.

Effective theatrical advertising shouldn't make one feel physical shame for everyone involved.

Straight from the far-reaching claims farm

It's so ubiquitous we're not sure what the term "fresh" even means anymore.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

X Marks the Idiot

What you need to know about these new Xbox shoes:

* They do not interface with your Xbox in any way.
* They are not endorsed by Xbox or Nike.
* They cost $2,500.

Start begging your parents, kids.

And the garter goes to....

-ZZ Top "Legs"

Let's waterboard Dennis Miller

Now we don't want to get off on a rant here, but remember when Dennis Miller was funny and not a right-wing scream-along intent on protecting his own income and social status?

Since Dennis doesn't believe waterboarding isn't torture, let's turn up the heat on terrorists with something that will really hurt -- like being strapped in a chair, Clockwork-Orange-style, and forced to watch Miller's excruciating stint on Monday Night Football.

You saw a gravy-train with the Fox News logo painted on the side and you jumped on, Dennis, conscience be damned. As punishment, you get to live out your days showering in the Fox gym next to the shriveled genitals of Bill O'Reilly.

Of course, that's just our opinion. We could be wrong.

What a cute baby, EEK!

It's just all-out creepy and disturbing when babies have their ears pierced.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The bitch slap line forms here

From the June issue of Allure magazine:

Allure:  Is being too good-looking really a problem for an actress?
Jessica Biel:  "Yeah, it really is a problem. I have to be blunt."

Having the acting ability of a fire plug doesn't help either, sweetheart.

That balloon is beaming me aboard for probing

Several Arizonans spotted a UFO hovering above them in a clear blue sky Monday.

NASA officials put everyone's minds at ease, explaining that the UFO was really ... wait for it ...

A balloon.

After all these years, is that the best they can do?

Substitute a guy on a horse for a guy in a canoe and you've got it.

As much as they try to claim differentiation from one another, every state's ad campaign is pretty much the same thing.

Cue the family having fun.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Was there always a Tilt-A-Whirl outside the Radio Shack?

Carnivals are creepy enough in their natural habitats.

But it's extra-freeeky when they appear out of nowhere in the shopping mall parking lot.

We imagine carnival-gypsies apparating in the night, magically assembling the Imagine Dragon Wagon before the Orange Julius crew arrives.  

Almost there ... almost there ... DAMMIT!

The crane game is the arcade version of the lottery -- a place to throw away your money with virtually no hope of reward.

What separates the crane game from other time wasters is its unnatural cruelty -- allowing you to pick up the stuffed giraffe and carry it ALMOST to the winner hole before falling safely out of your grasp.

We hate you, crane game.

Also the universal call sign for waitresses in distress

Anyone over the eighth-grade level that employs "xoxo" as a signoff might want to rethink how they look in the eyes of regular people who don't spend all day on Facebook or texting.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Muy Loco

Last year, Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson informed the NFL he was changing his name to Ocho Cinco.  (He wears, of course, #85.)

Now Ocho Cinco has legally changed his name again, this time to the single word "Ochocinco."

You know, like Cher.