Friday, October 31, 2008

Can It

On the surface, DVD games like the ever-popular "SceneIt" puport to take the unadulterated fun of interactive bar trivia contests and transfer that dynamic into your living room.

Reality, however, is less entertaining. Since DVD players were designed to play movies, they don't provide the same sparkling game play as bars. There's lots of disk-whirring and menu-loading to slow down the action.

And there’s no waitress that knows every answer because she’s been there 50 hours so far this week and seen every question to help you out.

Seizing the Cultural Exchange Opportunity of a Lifetime

There’s a lot of ignorance and outright discord between Western and Arabic nations. It doesn’t have to be that way. This is the kind of determination we need to water ski across that cultural divide and make it but a memory.

When the Rock Aqua Jays were forced to cancel 30 shows this summer because the river they perform on in Wisconsin backed up they didn’t just stand around in a pyramid.

They hopped down from that pyramid and secured an invitation to perform at whatever halftime is called during the Grand Prix of Abu Dhabi Formula 1 powerboat championships in the United Arab Emirates.

More of this type of thing could signal the end of confrontation and the start of a beautiful friendship. 

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Disney is Full of Shit

High School Musical 3 set a bunch of box-office records over the weekend. No matter your opinion of the Disney franchise, its success advances an unsettling myth: That real high school musicals are entertaining.

Advocates would probably maintain they give the performers of tomorrow the chance to grow as they trot the boards and learn under the direction of an art-teacher-who-has nearly-had-his-position-eliminated.

But just as not every high school football team can win the state championship, don't expect Central High's production of "The Pirates of Penzance" to do much more than get the kids fired up for forensics season.

Fall’s Largely-Unregulated Fun for the Whole Family

It’s that time of year again. Time to head out and trudge through a cornfield that reeks of teen B.O., pet a milky-eyed goat, and return a nervous smile to what amounts to landlocked carnies that guard the whole thing.

But help is on the way. Remember, the holidays are just around the corner, and then the place changes into a Christmas tree farm.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Dull Blade

cutting edge:  noun.  the leading position in any field; forefront

We recognize the need for captains of industry to describe their innovations.  We just think "cutting edge" -- as in "cutting-edge technology," "cutting-edge sales strategies," or "cutting-edge pharmaceutical intelligence" -- has lost some of its bite.  

Please choose a fresh modifier to communicate your vanguard position.

Also free to go:  leading edge, world class, customer-centric, the (your product here) revolution, thought leader, interactive, out of the box, proactive, state of the art, and turnkey

Could We At Least Consider Making Use Of The Word “Douche” The Exclusive Province Of Howard Stern?

You have to agree this is only fair given that he arguably gave female-hygiene-as-insult its start in the mass media. Without Stern, Sarah Silverman, Patton Oswald, and 2/3 of the people that put stuff on might not have their semi-uncomfortable failsafe quite so handy.

And it was really only funny when Howard zinged Jackie the Joke Man and now Artie Lange sometimes. We think “Cunt” and any number of hilarious derivations has real legs for the right brave, edgy soul.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Over Sensitive

We've recently been overcome with the largest contingent of Sensitive Singer-Songwriters since the 1970s' barrage of England Dan and John Ford Coley, David Gates, and Micheal Martin Murphy.

Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson, and especially John Mayer, we politely ask that you return to the coffeehouse from whence you came and dispense your acoustic treacle to undergraduates who appreciate such things.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Today’s Pictures of Horror-Struck Stockbrokers – International Edition

Just in case you thought only those at the U.S. Dow Jones Industrial Average could not be photographed unless they have their head in their hands, we bring you a poor woman from Frankfurt, Germany and a man to be pitied from Toronto, Canada.

Unfortunately we think it’s going to take a while to work through this whole thing and send it on its way.


Probably more on this Monday.


Friday, October 24, 2008

Joint Chiefs of Staph

Staph infection has taken out more stars this year than a blitzing linebacker, including Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Kellen Winslow, Jr., and basketball's Rudy Gay -- and that's since September.

Seven-foot-seven behemoth Kenny George, a center at UNC-Asheville, recently lost part of his foot to staph.

Attention locker-room attendants:  Can we get a little disinfectant in here please?

And For Your Next Pick-Up Trick ...

Mystery has no doubt helped countless virgins capture their first kiss, thanks to his VH1 series The Pick-Up Artist and The Pick-Up Artist 2.  (We've got a great idea for a series title if they decide to do a third.)

But even the most successful acts need to freshen up.   Let's see if Mystery can meet girls without the use of the following:

* Johnny Depp's Willie Wonka hat.  It's eye-catching.  It's furry. But let's call a crutch a crutch.  Besides, without the hat, the ladies can see his mascara better.  

* Kick-her-in-the teeth techniques.  Although we've come to admire the sheer hutzpah of the "batter-her-self-esteem-until-Mystery-looks-like-her-best-chance-at-love" gambit.  

* Wingmen.  Anyone could meet girls if they had a Matador and a  J-Dog along for the ride. It's time to take off the training wheels and ride like a big boy.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Do You Have A Face Made For Radio, Weather, Or Teaching Taekwondo?

And the answer is, currently, all three. Mark Reid is a disc jockey and music director for Hits 106, a “Fist Alert Forecaster” for NTV, and also a 2nd degree Black Belt instructor for Bennett’s Taekwondo.

We admit that as it stands now there’s something inherently wonderful about the possibility that Mark gets to kick a listener and/or viewer in the head from time to time but we’re also suggesting that he may be spread a little thin.

 That isn’t to say Mark should quit all his jobs, far from it – he should however quit two of them.

Doing so would allow him to put all his beard and energy into what we’re guessing he’s really good at and make the world a safer place for us all.



Still Crazy After All These Years?

The ubiquitous SNL “Lorne-backstage” vehicle celebrated its 33rd birthday with Governor Sarah Palin recently. The milking of a comedy sketch 33 years old can hardly be considered egregious, but it just feels like maybe it’s time to let this go.


We’d like to offer Mr. Michaels $3,000 to stop doing the sketch. He can keep all the money for himself or split it up amongst his crew, if he wants to give Andy Samberg less – that’s up to him. It doesn’t matter to us.