Friday, July 31, 2009

That's Him, Officer -- The One With His Name Tattooed On His Face

We've got nothing against tats in general -- it's your coloring book, crayola it up however you like.

But if you're the kind of dude who likes to knock over the occasional liquor store, understand that you're going to be easy to finger in the police line-up.

Hat tip: Patricia Lundstrom

This Ebay auction is totally crackers

20 people so far have found it irresistable to buy a box of saltine crackers off Ebay.

And why not? Where else could you possibly find such a thing- "12 stay fresh packs inside. Great with soups, chili, and oysters.

What a deal at $7.99 and such a generous return policy " 7 day money back, buyer pays return shipping"

We might just have to get sick and order a box.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Tips For A Better ESPN Anchor Nudie Video

If, as some suspect, the Erin Andrews nudie video was a publicity stunt, it was poorly executed. While there was some initial buzz, the video hasn't nearly approached the heights of, say, 2003's Paris Hilton vid. Internet sex scandals are tricky business, Erin -- here's where you went wrong:

1. The video quality is poor, at best. Too much backlight. Soft focus. Shaky camera movement. Who shot this, Stuart Scott using his bad eye?

2. You were ironing. Granted, you were ironing naked. But still. We can watch women iron at home.

3. It's hard to find. Marketing is about distribution, distribution, distribution. Paris knew this -- every time she threatened to "stop" the tape, another million copies flew around the Internet. Tell the ESPN lawyers to go smoke a cigar -- you got this one.

If you're listening, Linda Cohn, we know you can do better.

The kids will be drinking this with Red Bull soon.

Absinthe is making a comeback worldwide and an importer is even partnering with Virgin Airlines on an in-flight promotion where you can drink a glass of The Green Fairy.

We think its only a matter of time before it gives vodka a run for its money as a chief mixer with The Urine-Colored Fairy, Red Bull.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

This parking ticket was brought to you by the sun

Widespread adoption of solar power has long been confined to the calculator, until now.

In a dazzingly-annoying application of ingenuity the technology has now been successfully transferred to parking meters.

Now we can all marvel at how much energy is being saved as we fumble through our pockets and purses looking for quarters.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Bing To A Screeching Halt

The main problem with Microsoft's new Bing search service is ... well, there wasn't a problem to begin with. People seem to be perfectly happy with their current search -- which is why no one even calls it "search" anymore. (It's called "google.")

Maybe Microsoft would be better off fixing its terrible Windows XP -- now there's something that could stand improving. The Zune isn't setting the world on fire -- although again, it came late to the game in a market where people were pretty well satisfied with their iPods.

Hey, how about talking paper clips? That's a market that's relatively unoccupied.

When we hired you, Johnson, I don't recall you saying anything about a family

A job advice column warns workers about littering their desks with pictures of family. Said worker might appear "less dedicated to his job and anxious to get home."

Shouldn't bosses dedicated to THEIR jobs have better things to do than inspecting desk pictures?

Obama, the Professor and the Cop all drink crappy beer

A CNN "UPDATE" below on the upcoming meeting between the President, Professor Gates and Officer Crowley. We have bolded the crappy beer they will be drinking, for your convenience.

Expect more yelling after they all get tuned up on garbage.

UPDATE: The White House has revealed what beer will be served at the much-anticipated meeting later this week: Bud for the president and Blue Moon for Crowley. The Boston Globe reports Gates likes Red Stripe and Beck's.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Don't chiropractors have enough of an image problem?

We love animals and we generally like chiropractors.

But somehow chiropractors that practice on animals feels really weird and not a little bit suspicious.

After all, how is King the Dog going to relay that he's been adjusted properly?

Friday, July 24, 2009

That College Education Is About To Pay Off Big Time

According to AOL, there's good news on the job front! While you may have been laid off from your job as a stock analyst or physician's assistant, some big companies are hiring today!

Family Dollar, the #1 company on the list, is looking for some assistant store managers. (And this week, you can get a pack of 20 foam cups for only $1!)

Number 2 on the list, Pizza Hut, has plenty of "team member and delivery driver" opportunities available.

That recession was nice while it lasted.

The Compost Nazi ruins the compost experience for everyone

There's a lot to like about farmer's markets: fresh produce that's not lathered in harmful chemicals, etc.

But we've noticed one thing we can do without: the Compost Nazi.

Unlike this friendly cartoon character the Compost Nazi sits by the area where you're supposed to throw biodegradable material and berates you for either putting in the wrong thing or not putting in the right thing.

We just need a little help dude, not torn apart for our lack of understanding about what contains nitrogen.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The NRA can't get out of its own way

First off, we own guns & hunt, there can't be any saying we're against, or weak-knee'd about that, so we're saying this now:

The NRA often looks like a bunch of wild-eyed, irrational gomers because they attack anyone instantly who isn't rabidly sycophantic about their cause.

Yeah, that's the way the game is played, we get it - but isn't the way to get more flies with honey - or at least with good arguments?

Today they just went back to the same old playbook on Sonia Sotomayor and they look just as nuts as usual.

Could you please open Kate Moss' head at 31st and Oak?

Let's get this straight: They put Kate Moss on the side of a bus to sell Loreal ... when neither Kate Moss nor anyone who could afford Loreal products would be caught dead on public transportation.

Makes sense to us.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

So Congress is on to Pet Health Care next, right?

With health care reform looking like it's going in the tank there's absolutely no chance at ever taking a look at Pet Health Care Reform.

Might seen trivial but costs have skyrocketed - it's gotten so bad that pet insurance is now available.

We love the little furry devils but sheesh - and if you're rolling your eyes....until you've had to stick a couple grand in one you don't know what we're talking about - and we pray you never have to find out.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

A Good Way To Lose A Baby In The Forest

Dressing your baby in camouflage clothing makes a bold fashion statement, letting the world know Meghan is off to (a) a deer hunting stand or (b) Afghanistan.

Either way, let the good times roll.

Hot air about global warming

We're not sure exactly what's going on with global warming other than it's happening in some form. The jury's still out on the causality and so forth.

But we are sure that we don't need to hear any more knee-jerk opinions from the guy that off-hand dismisses the whole thing simply because of ONE DAY of unseasonably cool weather.

All his hot air isn't helping things.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Finally -- beer for poor white people!

The popular book and website "Stuff White People Like" made important distinctions -- that compendium was only about what well-to-do white people liked.

The other kind of white people? They like different things, like Kid Rock and cheap beer.

So it's no surprise that Kid Rock is launching American Badass Beer, "an easy-to-drink lager with no aftertaste."

No worries on the drinkability front, Kid Rock -- taste is something your fans don't seem to care about.

Check Your Body

Ok cancer that's it.

Bad enough that you killed almost 8 million people worldwide in 2007 and caused untold suffering to millions of others and their families.

Cancer, you are such a chump. We hope you get what you got coming to you.

The Punch List, July 20, 2009

Friday, July 17, 2009

Think Local, Pay Starbucks

Transformers is not only the summer's biggest hit (so far): It's also Starbucks' new business strategy.

Much like sports cars that are secretly giant, imposing robots, that new "neighborhood" coffee joint may secretly be a Starbucks.

A Seattle Starbucks is renovating to become "15th Avenue Coffee And Tea," hoping to capture a sense of community and local flavor with a name change and some funky new couches.

Local coffee shops say Starbucks is ripping off their mojo. (Starbucks officials literally visited popular locally-owneds in the area and took notes.)

We're guessing we can tell the difference -- we can smell the corporate stench of desperation from here.

Hat tip: Dave Awl!

Obama's birth certificate: Laugh at the flap about it while driving

We've seen the bumper stickers around, the one's challenging President Obama's legitimacy because he allegedly cannot produce a birth certificate to prove he was born in the U.S..

Never mind this nonsense has been debunked over and over, the latest chapter is now an army reservist living in Florida has challenged his deployment to Iraq over it.

Time to stop cuddling up to Alan Keyes, people - best to dance back there on your bumper with who brought you.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

ochoNFLcinco85: i think terrell suggs just fractured my skull

Chad Ochocinco says he plans to tweet during games this season, despite the NFL's firm "No, Chad" on the matter.


We're kind of hoping Ray Lewis dismembers him mid-tweet.

Rim Job

Guy who puts spinner rims on his car tires is a lot like the kid who clothespins baseball cards to the back wheel on his bike.

If it makes you feel better about your ride, go for it -- but you're not REALLY going any faster.

Car dealers have officially destroyed the word "sale"

Websters defines the word "sale" as "a special disposal of goods, as at reduced prices."

It's our feeling that car dealers, with their perpetual "sales," are incorrectly using the word, and knowingly. You can't find a lot that isn't having some sort of sale every day they're open.

The sad part here is that the hyperbole must work or they wouldn't do it.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

You can keep your cyclists -- give us the Devil

We've already had plenty of the Tour de Lance, but we can't get enough of El Diablo.

He's a 56-year-old German dude who likes to run in his devil costume alongside the cyclists. How sweet is that? Other activities that could be improved by an El Diablo appearance:

Running of the bulls

Corporate trust-building retreat

Kindergarten graduation

Mr Super Old Picnic Table That Nobody Ever Uses

You're not quite in the same eyesore class as a Camaro up on blocks but that's only because you can't rust, Mr. Super Old Picnic Table That Nobody Ever Uses.

But your paint does chip and wood starts to sag and pretty soon there's no way you could even support a bowl of potato salad.

Might be time to send Mr. Super Old Picnic Table That Nobody Ever Uses to live with a nice farm family. Either that or saw him up for a campfire.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Circus is Stoopid

We suppose we should hate the circus because they beat the elephants. And we're not for whipping Jumbo by any means.

But the real reasons we hate the circus?

* Clowns aren't funny. Red noses aren't funny. Seltzer bottles aren't funny. Big shoes aren't funny. Was there really an ancient civilization that was entertained by this?

* The tricks aren't thrilling. See that daring young man on the flying trapeze? It's a SWING!

* There are lots of Shriners around. What's a Shriner?

Also, circus peanuts taste creepy.

Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Totally Did It!

Lost in the Staples Center hullabaloo was this startling revelation from Jackson confidante J. Randy Taborelli:

Michael and Lisa Marie Presley had an active sex life. "He was hot stuff in bed," Lisa Marie told a friend, adding that she should know because she had been around.

"The first time, she went to turn on the lights afterwards, and he leapt out of bed and ran into the bathroom so she wouldn't see his body," writes Taborelli. "He emerged 20 minutes later, in full make-up and wearing a silk robe. Then they went at it again."

Something tells us Elvis would have approved, if only to have someone in the family weirder than he was.

Free Mochas! (Unless they aren't ...)

McDonald's Free Mocha Monday promotion is just one example of the "At Participating Restaurants" scambit. It goes something like this:

YOU: Free mocha? That's for me!

(You drive to McDonalds.)

YOU: One free mocha, please.

McEMPLOYEE: I'm sorry -- we're not participating in that promotion.

YOU: Dammit. Gimme a McGriddle.

C'mon, restaurant chains -- is it that hard to get everybody on board?

Lets all join hands so we can't choke ourselves

First actor David Carradine may have killed himself accidentally by performing auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Now a kid in Wisconsin dies playing "The Choking Game", where participants either strangle themselves or have someone else push on their chests to experience a short high.

So how about we all dare to dream here and say "no more choking" because it's dangerous!

Unfortunately we can probably say stuff like that until we're blue in the face and it won't matter.