Half Man, Half Ass

Us Magazine reports that Alex Rodriguez has two commissioned paintings hanging in his bedroom depicting him as a centaur.

We expect no less.

It Only Sucks To Be Them

According to CNNMoney, these jobs are best at combining high stress and low pay:

1. Social worker

2. Special events coordinator

3. Parole officer

4. News reporter

5. Music ministry director

If your job isn't on the list, stop bitching and get back to work.

Sugar Shock

Halloween's over, so why is there still so much candy sitting in dishes around the office?

All the good stuff's gone now, so will somebody please eat the circus peanuts?

Sammy Sosa's Reputation Will Never Be As White As His Skin

Yep, that's Sammy Sosa, looking like a stunt double in the "Smooth Criminal" video.

It's all thanks to a "skin rejuvenation process," says a Cubs employee who still speaks to the disgraced slugger.

Creepy.

Finally -- bottle-nose pliers I can wear on my arm

Things that could go wrong while wearing The Tool Bandit, "the all-purpose magnetic tool organizer that you can wear on your arm."

* Pointy objects worn on your arm easily forgotten when you scratch your nose.

* High-powered magnets erase laptop hard drives that you happen to walk near.

* Chance of being mistaken for a handy Nazi.

(Hat tip: John Urban.)

Mommy's Little Shoe Fetishist

According to Yahoo!, baby luxuries are going out of style. Mainly because no one can afford them.

Boo hoo, then, to designer Marc Jacobs, who's losing sales on his $195 Mary Jane baby shoes.

... Maybe this recession isn't such a bad thing.

We're Just Saying

There might have been a time in 1992 when Paul Reiser's "I'm just saying" was mildly amusing.

That time has passed.

(Hat tip: Kevin E.)

Scare Traffic Control

Want a great job and high pay without the hassle of going to school?

Air traffic controller is the gig for you. On average, you haul in $117,200 and retire at age 50. Two years of on-the-job training is all you need to start your exciting career of watching dots move across screens.

Think about that the next time you're about to board.

For Everyone Who Hates That Extra Hour of Sunlight

If there's anything better than driving to work in the dark, it's driving home in the dark.

Don't forget to set your clocks back.

This Is It (We Hope)

Yep, there's something morbid and creepy about a Michael Jackson concert movie. Does he look sick? Do we actually get to see him collapse? Is that Corey Feldman?

Go see it, if you must. Then can we let that tortured soul rest in peace?

Free Costs $150

It's a tough economy, so there are more and more free offers out there.

Problem is, most things that are free can cost $150 and up. That's why we prefer "cheap."

The First Taste Is Free

Watch-all-you-want-for-free video service Hulu will start charging to view (at least some stuff) in 2010.

It's an age-old selling model: The first taste is free.

All That Glitters

Unless you're doing this for Halloween, knock it off.

Rappers in Ugly Sweaters

Bill Cosby, long a slapper-downer of nasty rappers and foul-mouthed comics, is releasing his own hip-hop album.

It has Eric Clapton on it.

It's not clean music, says Cos. "What I like is 'what you're not going to do.' You're not going to curse. You're not going to put women down. You're not going to put the glory of the gun somewhere. And you're not going to put a whole lot of violence up front like that's the thing that will cleanse you and make you feel better."

We're sure this is going to be a big hit with the kids -- 'cause there's nothing the teens like better than "What You're Not Going To Do."

Did we mention this hip-hop record has Eric Clapton on it?

Back To The Ice Cream Of The Future

For more than 20 years, dippin' dots has advertised itself as "ice cream of the future."

It's that's true, it's going to be a nasty-tasting, freezer-burn-your-tongue, barely-fruit-flavored tomorrow.

Couldn't we get jet-packs instead?

My Daughter, the Devil Grrrrrl

We get that Halloween has become Official Dress Like A Tramp night for many women -- and we're not necessarily opposed.

But when did this become short skirt night for little girls? Here's a nice number for 'tweens (is that 11 year olds? 12?) courtesy of Party City, complete with faux-leather bodice and fishnet stockings.

Could little girls please dress like bumblebees at least until, say, high school?

I'm Sorry, Were You Gone?

Garth Brooks announced he's coming out of retirement to play a series of shows in Vegas.

Since his "retirement" in 2000, Garth has released the following singles: Wrapped Up in You (2001), Squeeze Me In (2002), Thicker Than Blood (2002), Why I Ain't Running (2003), Good Ride Cowboy (2005), Love Will Always Win (2006), That Girl Is A Cowboy (2006), More Than a Memory (2007), Workin' For A Livin"(with Huey Lewis, 2007) and Midnight Sun (2008).

Welcome back, big guy. We missed you.

Translation: I Hate Your Ass Face

The euphemism "irreconcilable differences" makes it sound like nothing can be done to save a marriage. We tried, but it's impossible! In fact, it's irreconcilable!

Let's be honest: You're sick of your spouse's shit and it's just easier to move on.

Zero Tolerance For Idiots

Dangerous criminal Zach Christie, 6, was sentenced to 45 days at an alternative school for bringing his favorite camping gizmo to school -- a folding fork/spoon/knife combo with which he intended to eat his lunch.

The school board, only after the national humiliation that comes with being a bunch of idiots, downgraded the punishment to a 3-5 day suspension.

No weapons in school. We get it. But since when did we become so intolerant of common sense?

Halloween, just barely sub-Christmas

Halloween has devolved into a commercial free-for-all nearly on par with Christmas.

That isn't any earth-shattering revelation but we're just sad about it. Halloween used to be our favorite holiday, and now its just another reason to get mad at how something fun has been turned crappy.

But go put on your Dog the Bounty Hunter costume and have a great time, we'll be sitting around a fire throwing in Halloween circulars.

No, Really, Throw It Back

From a marketing point of view, we get the NFL throwback jerseys.

You've already got the new Kyle Orton Broncos gear -- the home jersey, the away jersey, the practice jersey.

But do you have the one that makes him look like Bumblebee Man?

Return To Sender

We're pretty sure 17-year-old Ben Keough is an incredible musician. After all, how many other teens sign $5 million record deals before they can vote? Imagine the talent! Imagine the charisma!

Of course, it doesn't hurt to be Elvis' grandson.

I'll Have What She's Having

Picky eaters don't bother us generally -- what they choose to put in (or not put in) their mouths is their business.

It's the restaurant ordering ritual that takes the entire group down, since "what's on the menu" rarely satisfies. Leave off this. Add that. Can I get this on the side? Can I substitute?

Would it kill you to just order the #3?

Buffet the Appetite Slayer

Things we don't love about the buffet:

* The indeterminate period between food preparation and our arrival at said foodstuff

* The weird junior high chemistry lab burners keeping the food warm

* The swarthy fellow out on work release carving the roast beef

* The six-year-old just ahead of us sticking his elbow into everything

* Serving utensils touched by everyone in the room -- and where was the last place besides a buffet you actually saw tongs?

WARNING: Do Not Read This if You Have Moral, Ethical Or Religious Reasons Forcing You To Cower Helplessly While Someone Attacks Your Wife Or Your Kids

Meet Captain Chris, "an unarmed combat instructor for members of the US & UK Special Forces and dozens of military and para-military professionals and mercenaries around the globe."

He'll teach you to be unbeatable in the street, no matter your age or fitness level.

It even "works against NAZIS." You can learn "how to make someone who tries to choke you literally drown in his own spit. (Frankly, you have to see this one to believe it—it's that incredible.)"

We're not really the violent types, but frankly, we're intrigued.

(Thanks, Patricia Ohanian Lundstrom!)

We're SOOOO Wasted, You Guys

HAILEY: We're SOOOOOOO wasted, you guys. No seriously. I'm not even kidding. What?

Someone needs to take our picture. Seriously, right? I know!

ASHLEY: I want to be in the picture, you guys.

BRI: I know, right?

ANNOUNCER: With the new Samsung TL 220, you can see yourself when you're pointing the camera AT yourself -- never miss another drunken moment again.

HAILEY: Woooooooooo!

Hat tip: John Urban

Just in Case You Weren't Feeling Like Enough Of A Drone

For some reason, we always see IT guys forced to dress like this -- in matching cotton polo shirts with the name of the company embroidered over the left nipple.

Is it some leftover Catholic school belief that dressing alike leads to discipline and hive-mind?

Or a marketing guru who insists on branding everything? (Though we can't imagine someone choosing a company based on the poplin shirt they saw on some guy at Panera.)

Just be glad you don't have a closet full of these.

My Trouble is Christmas

Yep, the Christmas decorations are out at Target.

Yep, it's September.

Let the holiday malaise begin.

Can we call it a "basement full of guy crap"?

"Man Cave" - This overchuckled piece of the bro-lexicon has now not-suprisingly been appropriated by a multilevel marketing company hustling grilling tools, poker chips and of course, meat. They refer to the gatherings as MEATings.

There's a reason these things are typically in basements --too bad it all didn't stay underground.

Free Body Shots!

Rachel's, a Florida adult entertainment and steakhouse (guessing health inspectors have a field day there), is offering free flu shots between lap dances.

Line up, seniors -- dinner starts at 4.

Attention Twitter followers of Levar Burton: the Onion has been online 13 years and is not an actual news outlet.

Yesterday Twitter followers of Levar Burton were outraged that he had penned on Op-Ed entitled "My Living Nightmare Of Encouraging Kids To Read Is Over" in the Onion.

His Star Trek followers likely knew the Onion is a satirical publication but Levar had to let the public television crowd know that he didn't actually author the article.

levarburton: Attention all un-believers THE ONION is satirical parody of news events and meant to be enjoyed as such! No I did not write it! Relax, OK?

The only revelation that might have been more devastating for these people is that Mark Russell cannot actually play the piano.

Readers Surprised To Learn Reader's Digest Still Exists

Raise your hand if you've seen an actual copy since the turn of the century. Even the dentist doesn't keep this around anymore.

One More Reason To Love Swine Flu

All the cool kids are getting their swine flu shots.

Of course, if you get vaccinated today, your body will need at least five weeks to develop full immunity. You'll be good to go, say, around Thanksgiving.

The peak of swine flu season this year? October.

Screw You, Darwin

An elderly Chinese woman made this discovery: A snake born with a HAND.

Somewhere, Michael Crichton's nipples just got hard.

In Addition To Her Journalistic Credentials, She's Awesome At Beer Pong

Welcome the Today Show's newest correspondent, Jenna Bush Hager.

It's nice to see young people rewarded for years of hard work in journalism school, working their way up through the ranks of no-pay, no-glory small market television, breaking the tough stories that make one's mark in the business ...

Oh wait, we're thinking of the women who *didn't* get the job.

You May Now Shake Your Head Sadly At The Bride

Get ready for more badly choregraphed wedding production numbers, where the bride and groom (who already have the spotlight) find more ways to say "Look at us!"

Blame Jill and Kevin, whose dance-tastic chapel video earned them a spot on the morning talk shows.

The world is becoming a bad reality show.

(Hat tip: Kevin E.)

There is no debate about the uninsured, if you're into rational self-interest.

Somewhere in the health care debate yelling logic got lost.

Cover every American and both sides get what they want, coverage for every American and lower costs - it's really pretty simple:




1. All uninsured Americans are driving up the cost of health care: http://tinyurl.com/kuyq4q

2. All insured Americans are paying more because of these uninsured Americans: http://tiny.cc/8CuhA

3. Therefore all insured Americans are driving up their cost of health care.

Now we'll leave it to Washington to make sure nothing happens.

His Wife Is Going To Keep Her Maiden Name

Meet The Artist Formerly Known as Andreas Jankov.

The Norweigan bus driver recently changed his name to Julius Andreas Gimli Arn MacGyver Chewbacca Highlander Elesser-Jankov.

No matter how much he tries, the guy's still a Jankov.

(hat tip: Tony Wood)

Your PC Will Run Faster -- After the First 20 Hours or So

We were excited about upgrading to Windows 7 -- until we heard the installation can take up to 21 hours.

Gosh, Mr. Gates, you're just *begging* for a new series of Mac ads, aren't you?

You won't have any trouble finding The Lost Symbol

With an initial print run of between 5 and 6.5 million copies there's no way you'll be able to walk into an airport, through a park or on a beach without tripping on The Lost Symbol.

Expect to see Tom Hanks rooting around a lot of underground tunnels in the movie.

His Hot Airness

Michael Jordan is universally revered as The Greatest Player Ever. So why, in his Hall of Fame induction speech, did he feel the need to take a barbed poke at:

* His high school basketball coach

* The high school kid who won Mr. North Carolina instead of him

* The high school upperclassman who made varsity instead of him

* Jeff Van Gundy

* Jerry Krause

* George Gervin

* Isiah Thomas

* Magic Johnson

* Byron Russell

Remember Michael, you tried to play baseball.

First Among Dorks

First! Comment Guy is known for a few things:

* While he's typing "First!", someone inevitably beats him to the punch, making him second or third.

* An inability to spell either "first" or "comment."

* A pathological inability to lose his virginity.

(Thanks to reader Kevin E. for the suggestion. A "You Are Free To Go" executive stress ball is on the way.)

This makes us reconsider our opinion of D&D for sure

It's bad enough to hear tales of sitting through four-hour drafts and white knuckle tirades about missed trade opportunities but this represents a new level of unsettling committment: fantasy football insurance.

You take out a policy on a player and if that player should fall to injury for the remainder of the season you get reimbursed the entry fee to the "league". Worse yet, it's becoming big business.

If you'd consider something like this, fine: but no more making fun of that guy carrying around a set of D&D dice in a Crown Royal bag.