For Everyone Who Hates That Extra Hour of Sunlight

If there's anything better than driving to work in the dark, it's driving home in the dark.

Don't forget to set your clocks back.

This Is It (We Hope)

Yep, there's something morbid and creepy about a Michael Jackson concert movie. Does he look sick? Do we actually get to see him collapse? Is that Corey Feldman?

Go see it, if you must. Then can we let that tortured soul rest in peace?

Free Costs $150

It's a tough economy, so there are more and more free offers out there.

Problem is, most things that are free can cost $150 and up. That's why we prefer "cheap."

The First Taste Is Free

Watch-all-you-want-for-free video service Hulu will start charging to view (at least some stuff) in 2010.

It's an age-old selling model: The first taste is free.

All That Glitters

Unless you're doing this for Halloween, knock it off.

Rappers in Ugly Sweaters

Bill Cosby, long a slapper-downer of nasty rappers and foul-mouthed comics, is releasing his own hip-hop album.

It has Eric Clapton on it.

It's not clean music, says Cos. "What I like is 'what you're not going to do.' You're not going to curse. You're not going to put women down. You're not going to put the glory of the gun somewhere. And you're not going to put a whole lot of violence up front like that's the thing that will cleanse you and make you feel better."

We're sure this is going to be a big hit with the kids -- 'cause there's nothing the teens like better than "What You're Not Going To Do."

Did we mention this hip-hop record has Eric Clapton on it?

Back To The Ice Cream Of The Future

For more than 20 years, dippin' dots has advertised itself as "ice cream of the future."

It's that's true, it's going to be a nasty-tasting, freezer-burn-your-tongue, barely-fruit-flavored tomorrow.

Couldn't we get jet-packs instead?

My Daughter, the Devil Grrrrrl

We get that Halloween has become Official Dress Like A Tramp night for many women -- and we're not necessarily opposed.

But when did this become short skirt night for little girls? Here's a nice number for 'tweens (is that 11 year olds? 12?) courtesy of Party City, complete with faux-leather bodice and fishnet stockings.

Could little girls please dress like bumblebees at least until, say, high school?

I'm Sorry, Were You Gone?

Garth Brooks announced he's coming out of retirement to play a series of shows in Vegas.

Since his "retirement" in 2000, Garth has released the following singles: Wrapped Up in You (2001), Squeeze Me In (2002), Thicker Than Blood (2002), Why I Ain't Running (2003), Good Ride Cowboy (2005), Love Will Always Win (2006), That Girl Is A Cowboy (2006), More Than a Memory (2007), Workin' For A Livin"(with Huey Lewis, 2007) and Midnight Sun (2008).

Welcome back, big guy. We missed you.

Translation: I Hate Your Ass Face

The euphemism "irreconcilable differences" makes it sound like nothing can be done to save a marriage. We tried, but it's impossible! In fact, it's irreconcilable!

Let's be honest: You're sick of your spouse's shit and it's just easier to move on.

Zero Tolerance For Idiots

Dangerous criminal Zach Christie, 6, was sentenced to 45 days at an alternative school for bringing his favorite camping gizmo to school -- a folding fork/spoon/knife combo with which he intended to eat his lunch.

The school board, only after the national humiliation that comes with being a bunch of idiots, downgraded the punishment to a 3-5 day suspension.

No weapons in school. We get it. But since when did we become so intolerant of common sense?

Halloween, just barely sub-Christmas

Halloween has devolved into a commercial free-for-all nearly on par with Christmas.

That isn't any earth-shattering revelation but we're just sad about it. Halloween used to be our favorite holiday, and now its just another reason to get mad at how something fun has been turned crappy.

But go put on your Dog the Bounty Hunter costume and have a great time, we'll be sitting around a fire throwing in Halloween circulars.

No, Really, Throw It Back

From a marketing point of view, we get the NFL throwback jerseys.

You've already got the new Kyle Orton Broncos gear -- the home jersey, the away jersey, the practice jersey.

But do you have the one that makes him look like Bumblebee Man?

Return To Sender

We're pretty sure 17-year-old Ben Keough is an incredible musician. After all, how many other teens sign $5 million record deals before they can vote? Imagine the talent! Imagine the charisma!

Of course, it doesn't hurt to be Elvis' grandson.

I'll Have What She's Having

Picky eaters don't bother us generally -- what they choose to put in (or not put in) their mouths is their business.

It's the restaurant ordering ritual that takes the entire group down, since "what's on the menu" rarely satisfies. Leave off this. Add that. Can I get this on the side? Can I substitute?

Would it kill you to just order the #3?

Buffet the Appetite Slayer

Things we don't love about the buffet:

* The indeterminate period between food preparation and our arrival at said foodstuff

* The weird junior high chemistry lab burners keeping the food warm

* The swarthy fellow out on work release carving the roast beef

* The six-year-old just ahead of us sticking his elbow into everything

* Serving utensils touched by everyone in the room -- and where was the last place besides a buffet you actually saw tongs?

WARNING: Do Not Read This if You Have Moral, Ethical Or Religious Reasons Forcing You To Cower Helplessly While Someone Attacks Your Wife Or Your Kids

Meet Captain Chris, "an unarmed combat instructor for members of the US & UK Special Forces and dozens of military and para-military professionals and mercenaries around the globe."

He'll teach you to be unbeatable in the street, no matter your age or fitness level.

It even "works against NAZIS." You can learn "how to make someone who tries to choke you literally drown in his own spit. (Frankly, you have to see this one to believe it—it's that incredible.)"

We're not really the violent types, but frankly, we're intrigued.

(Thanks, Patricia Ohanian Lundstrom!)

We're SOOOO Wasted, You Guys

HAILEY: We're SOOOOOOO wasted, you guys. No seriously. I'm not even kidding. What?

Someone needs to take our picture. Seriously, right? I know!

ASHLEY: I want to be in the picture, you guys.

BRI: I know, right?

ANNOUNCER: With the new Samsung TL 220, you can see yourself when you're pointing the camera AT yourself -- never miss another drunken moment again.

HAILEY: Woooooooooo!

Hat tip: John Urban