Pigs: It's H1N1, you idiots

The nation's pigs request that you please refer to that nasty cough as "H1N1," not "swine flu."  You're hurting their feelings, plus canned ham sales are down.

On a related note, please start calling salt "NaCl."

Biden: You can get the flu from kissing a bus

Surgeon Genera ... er, Vice President Joe Biden says he'd tell his own family not to take the bus so they won't get swine flu.

More kooky-nutty medical advice to follow.  Aren't pandemics fun?

Science will save us!

The latest (honest to god true) global efforts to stop the swine flu virus:

No kissing on the cheek. (Lebanon)

Purchasing 32 million anti-sneeze masks. (England)

Using thermal cameras at airports to determine if passengers are feverish. (Japan, South Korea, Turkey, Greece)

Coming up next: Leeches.

Don't the Milwaukee Brewers have to notify the public that their mascot is a registered sex offender?

When's the last time an adult was in Bernie Brewer's dugout?

We don't want to speculate on the number of children the Milwaukee Brewers mascot could be holding against their will in there.

Democrats also respsonsible for hurricanes, The Hills

Our current favorite Congressperson has to be Rep. 

Michele Bachman (R-MN), who's always good for a hoot or two. Here she attempts to blame swine flu on the Dems.

Well, not BLAME. It's just INTERESTING that Obama is in office while the swine flu HAPPENS to break out in Mexico.

Connect the dots, people!

And now, 90 minutes from Barry in Legal

After your neck comes...

Neck tattoos are gaining in popularity.

 Fine, but we think it's a slippery slope.

How much longer before somebody convinces you that this is art and/or attractive?

Face masks are the new black

You knew it was coming. 

Celebrity Stand-Up: Joe the Plumber

You really are onto something

"Americans are cutting back on spending during the recession."

Nice job pulling away the curtain and revealing that stunning fact.

You thought you had $9.00 off right then and there, didn't you?

Mail in rebates take all the fun out of saving money.

JUDGE JUDY!!

Jane Fonda:  Did you hear that the economy is so bad that wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford new batteries?

Bob Vila:  Outdoor faucets can develop leaks over time.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:  Doing big things for our environment.  Look for other states to follow us.

Larry King:  I am doing an event today with JUDGE JUDY!!

Kim Kardashian:  Did u guys watch last night's episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians?

Days of Swine and Roses

Could this latest outbreak of the swine flu, asks the Associated Press, be a global epidemic that wipes out millions?

It could die out in a few weeks, says University of Minnesota expert Michael Osterholm. Or it could be a full-fledged pandemic.

"We have no clue where we are between those extremes," says Osterholm.

As always, AP, thanks for keeping us up on the latest.

And now a word from our sponsor..

Thank god the kids are too busy jumping up and down to pay any attention.

Do your part

This has to be one of the slimiest cash-grabs ever.

To cash in on the people groping after the economic bust that still have a sense that America can right itself, they quickly changed their name from People Who Feel Sorry For The Families of 9/11 Cash Advance to this.

What's more happening than a man with a scrunchie?

Balding Man With Ponytail tries to compensate for what's not happening on top by pulling off a hipster extension out back.

In this way, he resembles other attractive, virile men with ponytails.  Men such as ... erm ... 

Steven Seagal?  Gals dig him, right?

Illin'

You're awfully brave, Coworker With A Deadly Disease, showing up to work despite your achy body and fever-dream mind.

But don't you think your hacking cough and asthmatic wheeze deserves a sick day?

Away from us?

Take some time, do some bird hunting

After leaving office Dick Cheney has pretty much done nothing but lie awake on a bed of nails 24 hours a day and figure out ways to criticize the President.

Now, we understand his condemnations aren't the first time a former member of an administration slammed a sitting President. We thought it distasteful when Jimmy Carter did it as well.

It sounds a lot like he's offering a defense for the policies of the last eight years but by speaking out so often he might be damaging that, er, legacy.

Can't see past the bricks

We love it when there's a smattering of brick in front of an otherwise horrid piece of architecture.

It almost smacks of conscience.

Do We Really Have To Catch Big Steve From Marketing?

Sure, it's nice to know that CIO Tony and Meg from Accounting will catch you if you fall backwards off the ladder.

We're still dubious that this knowledge will translate into any kind of productivity or profit.

Couldn't we spend the trust-building retreat money on some nice new office chairs?

Turn Off The Light

Light (fill in the blank) is almost always a bastardization of something better in its original form -- light beer, light soda, the "lite" versions of software that tease you so you'll pay for the real thing.

But no light-thing desecrates the essence of the original so completely as light jazz.

(If you don't believe us, try to listen to the song below, all the way through)

My, what beautiful highlights you have

Men highlighting their hair, like all things, is something we'd prefer done in moderation.

Unfortunately many of these guys don't see it that way.

I Still Haven't Found The Real Estate I'm Looking For

The Edge is celebrating Earth Day by building FIVE Malibu mansions overlooking the homes of Dick Van Dyke and Kelsey Grammar.

"These homes will be some of the most environmentally sensitive homes ever designed in Malibu," says The Edge -- a claim that sounds suspiciously like Sun Chips being the most environmentally sensitive snack cracker.

"The downside of this is a permanently scarred mountainside for the benefit of a very few that for many years all will view," says Jefferson Wagner, a Malibu councilman.

Hater.

Everyone does not need one

"Frenemy" - Is a zero sum game.

Consumer Manipulation Powered By The Sun

Of all the steps one could take to help change the world, we're guessing "eating Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips" is pretty far down the impact list.

You'd try and sell Obama's seat to an unwitting Costa Rican

Never a good sign if the judge in your case won't let you travel to Costa Rica, even if it is to put rats in your pants and sit in a tank full of leeches.

The good news: "Dancing with the Stars" is liable to launch a prison edition any day now.

I Do Not Like Green Eggs and Crack

Amy Winehouse has announced the logical next step in her entertainment career:

Children's author.

FemaleFirst reports that Winehouse hopes to inspire tots with her literary offerings:

Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bank
Whether you're strung out on meth or on crank
You’re assaulting Your Fans!
You cannot fail!
You're destroying hotel rooms!

You're singing in jail!

Celebrity Stand-Up: Simon Cowell

It would be fine

Go ahead Texas, secede. Have fun governing your new, autonomous, country. Secure those borders!

But don't come crawling back when all the mobile home parks start to secede and form individual nations within Texas at the first sign of trouble. You're not our problem anymore.

The government could tax it

We're as open-minded as the next guy, but have a hard time believing as some do that hemp is the solution for almost every problem on the planet.