The Tears Of Mercury-Poisoned Clown

The Human Thermometer twice broke down into tears as he told fellow actors yesterday about the mercury poisoning he suffered during his "Speed-The-Plow" run. The sickness was so bad, bawled Piven, that he feared he might die.

Between heaving sobs, Piven cited the words of Barack Obama and Dr. Martin Luther King in defending his plight.

Someone see if Lloyd can stick a butt-plug in Ari.

Turn Your Head And Coif

Ever wonder what all those out-of-work comedy writers would have been reduced to had the last WGA strike gone on?

Ho ho! Get it? Cut? Hair?

Shear? Shears? Stop it! My sides ... aching ...

Can't ... breathe ... ha .... ha ...

Seriously, knock it off.

Who Watches the Studio?

We really hope Zack Snyder pulls off Watchmen. But the studio is clearly too stupid to realize that billing him as a "VISIONARY" on the movie poster adds yet another layer to an already high expectation-laden film.

If Watchmen sucks, we can think of plenty of other things we'll be calling him.

Preston and Jayden Are Looking Fly

The economy is sucking the tailpipe, and K-Fed is feeling your pain. As a working father of two, he's developing a new line of children's clothing.

"I’m trying to take it seriously and make a quality product for kids but not have parents pay like $500 or something ridiculous for a pair of jeans," says the entertainer. "I'm looking to do something much more reasonable."

K-Fed hasn't been to Target lately, because then he'd know there's already a world of less-than-$100 jeans.

Adulterous Kissing Characters Passionately Kiss

We certainly agree with Movieguide on one thing:  Hollywood is the Devil. 

But for those of us with no  time to catalogue the evil, Movieguide breaks it down.  Here's what to watch for in current Hollywood hit "He's Just Not That Into You":  

A comedy reference to a minor character being a Wiccan and two characters briefly discuss homosexual “dating”; 32 obscenities, seven profanities; no violence; both implied adulterous sex in one scene, adulterous kissing characters passionately kiss; upper male nudity, implied female nudity as woman undresses; drinking of alcohol; discussion of character smoking, but nothing onscreen; and, lying, divorce and couple’s been living together.

No word from Movieguide on the difference between "obscenities" and "profanities."

Not Remote Enough

The radio station remote broadcast. It was probably pretty cool to be at the Cotton Club, listening to cool live jazz as it streamed out over the new-fangled airwaves.

But we're safely assuming it's not nearly as cool when Steve-O does his "Hot Bunns" contest every other Friday from 11 to 1 at O'Malley's.

He's definitely crazier in person than he is on the air though.

Oh you have, have you?

"Been there, done that."

Us too.

Swat The Fly

Fresh off saving Darfur, Bono shows The World Economic Forum how to make money and a difference at the same time by grabbing the Edge and firing off the score to a Spiderman Broadway musical.

We know Broadway's in trouble but is this the way to rescue it?

Please don't show her below the waist

Interesting offshoot of the digital age: Never before have we had the chance to watch so many D-list celebs getting it on.

Sometimes, it's because a tape gets "stolen," then sold to the highest bidder. (See Anderson, Pamela; Diamond, Dustin; Lowe, Rob; Me, Mini).

Then there's the porn companies throwing money at "stars" like John Wayne Bobbit and Ray J.

Now porn giant Vivid has offered a cool million for krazy-octuplet-mom Nadya Suleman to star in an adult video.  Sexy.

The Biggest Decision We'll Make All Day

Do we need FIVE or SIX hours of energy?

While we get it figured out, grab us a couple Marlboro 100's soft pack Menthols, would you?

May I have this daddy-daughter dance?

"Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle 

My child is receiving an elementary school education

Sure, the people in traffic know you're the proud parent of an honor student.  But how much of your day is spent in a car?

This honor student pen from Vinton Elementary lets everyone know where your kid stands (#1!), as well as where their kids fit in the pecking order (somewhere between #2 and #suck).

Warning:  Your child will likely be beaten.

Line up and drink the Strawberry Quik

Remember the kids that used to drink Strawberry Quik - the ones that grew up to be Dirtball Mortgage Brokers and Real Estate agents?

They still do. Just don't drink it with them.

My fingers are getting orange just thinking about it

Two bags of original Cheetos should taste pretty good when this auction ends in 16 days (plus the week it takes to ship). 

While you're waiting, walk a block to the gas station and buy a bag to tide you over.

What Frampton Hath Wrought

It's ironic that "Frampton Comes Alive" introduced us to the Vocalizer -- the robotic filter that turns any rocker's voice into a digital blur that sort of resembles melody.

At least Frampton can sing. Today the Vocalizer is the go-to tool for hip-hop artists who can't carry a tune.

The electronic hand-clap sounded state of the art once too.

Ribbon Fatigue

Support ribbons now occupy every single color known to man and the confusion it causes can be troubling. We mistakenly supported awareness of Hepatitis B the other day instead of Spain's campaign to release the Basque terrorist victims.

Time to go back to buttons.

Say something

Some big time star will win an Oscar Sunday night and get up there and fumble around about how shocked they are and not know what to say. That stupid incredulity will eat up what could have been a fine moment.

A modicum of humble preparation like the little guys and there wouldn't be a problem, but they're actors/actresses, you know - with improvisational skills.

My mahogony desk would look great in the nursery

Gee, it's too bad about the Bowmans. Such a beautiful family. And to lose their home on top of Steve losing his job? Awful.

But wait -- now you can OWN the Bowmans' home for pennies on the dollar!

Join the millions capitalizing on misery, won't you?

Next: The TV to DVD Meltdown

If the housing crisis teaches only one lesson it should be a more pragmatic view of market saturation. It's a simple principle, applicable across all walks of commerce.

With that in mind: Season Three of "Just Shoot Me" is now available on DVD. And the jacket copy just makes us want to run right out and buy this equivalent of a spec condo in Arizona:

"The sassy stars of Blush magazine are back with more hilarity in the third season of Just Shoot Me! This witty ensemble comedy explores the often tumultuous and always hysterical dynamic between five quirky staff members of a high fashion magazine. Available on digitally re-mastered DVD for the first time, the deadlines, models and hangovers are even more hilarious than you remember. Funny has never been so fashionable!"

Ghost Riders In The Skymall

There must be something about being 30,000 feet above the ground that makes Joe Business Traveler decide:

"I think I'll spend $309 on a Bio-Matic BRZ Fingerprint Lock."

Other SkyMall items for your consideration:

Electronic paper-towel dispenser: $59.99

Swami golf GPS system: $179.99

Magnetic upright bike: $469.99

Perfect for the executive who's just laid off 40% of his work force.

Works perfect as a last song

"Closing Time" -Semisonic

Make it go va-ROOOOM

We could drive alongside you all day but it's hard on the fillings.

What the f*ck?

Is there any euphemism more useless than inserting an asterisk into the middle of a naughty word?

Is there a third-grader alive who couldn't decipher Carlin's holy seven: sh*t, p*ss, f*ck, c*nt, c*cksucker, motherf*cker, and t*ts?

Quit apologizing and just fucking say it.

Like a vampire

Madonna to star in the Twilight sequel.  How in the world will they make her look undead?

Nothing says refreshing like copycat campaigns

Pepsi's "Refresh Everything" marketing campaign and not so subtle logo switch aims to capture the formidable "Change" spirit promised by President Obama's campaign.

Pepsi might want to rethink the new image after the Washington business-as-usual finger pointing surrounding the stimulus bill. Coke, anyone?

Do you have one with a sailboat that says "Courage"?

If you really need this on your cubicle wall to get through, best just give up.

It's a profession like none other

Actors practice a "craft". 

You'll doubtlessly hear about it this week in the runup to the Oscars.

What if Will and Grace KISSED?

It's human nature, we suppose, to imagine what would have happened if Harry Potter's parents killed Voldemort instead of the other way around.

But realize that fan fiction writers have posted 34 what-if stories about the Partridge Family, 466 imagined adventures of Walker, Texas Ranger, and 13,502 extra installments of Stargate: Atlantis.

We're backing away from Lady-In-The-Coffeeshop-With-Laptop very slowly.

Wait until our hygienist sees this

Can you believe they offer free shipping on this much floss?

All under one shady roof

Dear Valentine Lovers --

Sex shopping is exhausting.

It's one store for the pure passion gel. Another stop at the outlet mall for vibrating beads. Then all the way across town for the studded cuff and tether set.

We hear you.  And we're here for you.

Your friend,

XXX Adult Superstore

Just tired

We now get to endure another forced death march through Brett Favre's storied career via fawning retrospectives and "oh how we'll miss him" tributes.

You, up ahead, get moving - we want to be to his triumph over vicodin addiction by sundown.

Knit sticking

Afraid the one you love is going to get away this Valentine's Day?

Knit some Smittens -- "mittens for holding hands in."

No matter how desperately they try to escape -- and they will -- your love is woven to you forever.