Kick some ash

We live in one of those lame states where most forms of fireworks are illegal.

The fun we *can* have exists in the form of the Snake -- a tablet that, when lit, excretes a long tube of ash and soot. Woo.

It almost makes a guy want to set his garbage can on fire ...

David Hasselhoff said there would be days like these

Public Pool Lifeguard doesn't seem like he has it too rough: Getting paid to tan. Lots of attractive, barely clothed people running around. His own whistle.

So why does it seem like the job -- sitting there -- pains him so? You're getting a check, pal -- could we lose the bored sneer and the "I wish I was at the mall" body posture?

God forbid you have to jump in and save somebody once a summer.

When the C became a K

At what point did it become ok to begin words with a "k" instead of using the correct "c"?

If it's advertising value these people are after, nothing brings' em in like a blatent misspelling.

Sanford Controlled by He Who Must Not Be Named

Great stuff today from Gov. Mark Sanford's personal spiritual advisor, Cubby Culbertson:

* Sanford can't really be blamed for what happened -- he was simply caught off guard by the Power of Darkness. (Someone clearly has been missing his occlumency lessons with Professor Snape.)

* ALL Christian couples stop loving each other after a while, but that's no reason to call the marriage off. "At some point in your marriage, if you're married long enough, you do it because that's what we're called to do — out of obedience instead of out of passion."

* Culbertson himself always keeps his office door open when speaking with gals. That keeps him on the up and up.

The Punch List, June 29, 2009

You voted, we suckerpunched. (Make sure to vote at right for next week's punching bags.)

Your call is very important

The following makes us crazy:

We call you, you do not answer. Following a prompt recorded by you that urges people to leave a message, we take the time to do just that. A voicemail is created which, when heard by you, will take care of what needed to be conveyed in the first place.

Then a short time later you call us back without listening to the voicemail and say "I saw that you called."

Why do we even try?

Special Jacko Death Issue!!! Collector's Item!!!

You can bet the vultures at People Magazine (and Us Weekly and OK! ...) are hard at work preparing the Michael Jackson in memorium issue.

What better way to honor the career of a beloved entertainer (and boost newsstand sales in the process)?

Make sure to buy two -- one to read in the bathroom and one to sell on eBay in a few years. Why should Entertainment Weekly be the only one to profit from a celebrity's demise?

Plenty of room in the Celebrity Death Pool

Yesterday's passing of Michael Jackson AND Farrah Fawcett brought on the usual exclamations surrounding celebrity deaths:

"They always come in threes!" (with Ed McMahon beginning the trifecta)

Except Ed's passing completed the David Carradine-Bea Arthur triad, while Bea sang bass in the Dom Deluise-Natasha Richardson Trio.

Celebrities die every day, friends, not in threes but in bunches. It's just one of the ways they're just like the rest of us.

How many of us are in here, anyway?

"Footprints in the sand" is that prayer about a guy walking on a beach looking back on his life,

seeing two sets of footprints and then God telling him that he carried him part of the time when he couldn't walk himself.

It obviously resonates with people but our own question is that if it means so much how come it's hanging in their bathroom a lot of the time?

Getting laid on the Appalachian Trail

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford (seen here with the wife and children his penis betrayed) apparently wasn't walking the Appalachian Trail this week after all, as his staff claimed.

But kudos to the Gov's spin doctors for inventing a new euphemism we're already tiring of: "Walking the Appalachian Trail" is now the de facto excuse when one needs to cover up affairs with Argentinian skanks or other misdeeds.

What did Appalachia do to deserve this?

"Night at the Musuem: Battle of The Smithsonian" Has A Real Shot

Good news, Pretty Good Movies! Starting this year, Oscar will recognize ten Best Picture nominees, up from the traditional five.

Consider it the youth-soccerization of the awards industry: It doesn't matter how you perform -- everyone gets a trophy!

And bonus for you viewers at home: Those interminable Best Picture montages just got twice as long.

The NBA Draft: Oh boy

We don't know what would have to happen to make us care about the NBA draft but making the league respectable and relevant again might be a good place to start.

Good luck to all those young players coming into the league. Please play some defense and keep your mouth shut around the referees.

Whiz Kid

We're pretty sure the neighbors who put the statue of the Peeing Boy in their garden would lose their shit if an actual boy urinated on the hydrangeas.

A little something to look at while you avoid oncoming traffic

Distracting billboards on the side of the road blocking your view weren't enough.

Somebody had to put them on wheels and start driving around.

If only gas could have stayed at $4/gallon.

Children, take your places

Everyone knows that John and Kate are divorcing. But now the talk is "Will the show go on?" in light of what televising the split might do to the children.

Absolutely it will go on, who is kidding who? Like TLC will pull the plug on their cash cow to do the right thing for those kids.

Hell, this lady was way ahead of her time. You can bet if she was alive today, Mommy Dearest would be making ratings meat and the Goselins look like pikers.

Jim Rome. Out.

Jim Rome probably could have played professional sports if he hadn't spent college sculpting his facial hair and inventing bro-licious vocabulary to impress the sisters at Alpha Kappa Alpha.

Instead, he became the biggest asswipe in sports talk radio. ERRR -- maybe we have that wrong. Here's how Rome describes himself over at jimrome.com: Perhaps the most respected voice in the world of sports broadcasting, Jim Rome is the leading opinion-maker of his generation.

Rome's sports-bro act was borderline amusing when he was a young man -- if only Jim Everett could have finished the job when he had the chance.

It's Not the Heat

Humidity kicks us in the ass every time. Sweaty, sweltery, sultry, stifling, sucky humidity drains our batteries and makes us stick to the vinyl chairs at the pool.

Of course, it could be worse.

It could be humid AND we could be William Shatner.

Forever is a mighty long time

Some municipalities have ordinances governing garage and rummage sales, others don't.

In those places without rules you can bet there will be at least one perpetual rummage sale, the house that opens its garage for business every single day.

Those 13 kids bicycles are going to sit there a looooong time.

White Guy Chic

Salmon-colored button-down cabana shirt, tucked in three inches above the navel line? Check.

Beige linen shorts, cut to reveal just a hint of knobby knee? Check.

Porcelain chicken legs, varicose veins bulging in the afternoon sun? Check.

Watch out, country club widows. Here we come.

The Punch List, June 22, 2009

With 51% of the vote, Kate Gosselin tops this week's Punch List. Vote for next week's punchees right below Blue Andy Rooney.

Time to reevaluate how you're being photographed

Ladies, there's really no need to pucker up or gratuitiously kiss/lick the face of another woman simply because a camera is pointed at you.*

*Special thanks to Angie K.

At least make sure Dad gets a gift receipt

Just as its bad form to get Mom a vacuum cleaner for Christmas, please spare Dad the lawn and garden tools this Father's Day.

It's just another way of saying "You're not doing enough around here, old man."

Also avoid:

* "#1 Dad" coffee mugs, t-shirts, or other doodads

* Novelty ties

* Cheese baskets

* Anything NASCAR related

* Chip 'n dip sets in the shape of football helmets

* Any book written by Mitch Albom

* Car washing supplies

* Golf shirts

* "Funny" pajamas

If you're really stuck, go with booze or a knife.

Stop Believing

It's not that we *hate* Journey exactly. As middle-of-the-road, power-ballad-wailing, long-hair-wearing, Randy-Jackson-bass-playing, lovin' touchin' squeezin' corporate rock bands go, they're fine enough.

But can anyone explain the reemergance of "Don't Stop Believin'" into pop culture? It was the soundtrack for the end of The Sopranos, the anthem for new Fox wanna-hit Glee, and now comes the Ellen Page version. (It's also the all-time best selling catalog track in iTunes history.)

Who's crying now? Just our ears ...

The burden of having so much stuff is getting unbearable

Ugh, you just have so much STUFF! It's making you crazy how filled up your 2,000 square foot house is getting. But what can you do?

Easy, rent a storage locker, jam it all in there and forget about it - only visit when you need to dump more stuff off.

And when that one's full rent another one.

A Schmuckwork Orange

Yeah, UV rays suck and skin cancer is even worse.

But that's no reason to break out a bottle of Fake Tan and dye your skin that shoe-leather shade of orange.

You might think it's better than looking pale ...

But when was the last time this guy got a second look from the ladies?

Bloodsuckers

Ah, summer.

Sunshine, days by the water, nights under the st ... OW! *slap* *slap* Where did they all come *slap* *slap* Get in the car, kids! *slap* slap* Get the damn spray! *slap* Where's the damn spray? *slap*

Sons of bitches.

Fontificating

Ideally we'd get rid of The Grateful Dead completely but first things first. How about let's start with the annoying font they spawned? The one that's anything but mellow, man.

Mountain Dork

World of Warcraft Mountain Dew is here.

You have to slay Hakkar the Soulflayer to get it. Shyeah. Good luck with that.

The french fries are crested with diamonds

This $175 burger, available at New York's Wall Street Burger Shoppe, is topped with edible gold flakes.

There is additional gold mixed in the mayonnaise topping.

You know what, North Korea? You're right. We suck. Put us out of our misery.

See America with wretched excess in tow

You have a huge RV, fine, a little ostentatious but we can understand the attraction.

But then you had to go tow a car behind it. Now you're under our skin. See you on the mountain pass.

God asks us to take advantage of forgiveness

Governor Palin sure didn't miss getting political mileage out of accepting David Letterman's apology:

"This is all thanks to our U.S. Military women and men putting their lives on the line for us to secure America's Right to Free Speech - in this case, may that right be used to promote equality and respect."

We're not sure who is trying to take away America's right to free speech currently but what the heck, there's no bad time to thank the troops.